How often do you excuse people?

by deeply_rooted_chick 19th February 2011, 11:46 am

Hey guys

So very recently I was hanging out with this guy I like and he has made it obvious to me that he has liked me for some time now, but the issue of my hair still came up. He even referred to it as slave hair, but then revealed his own mother had locks. Shocked

So for me I didn't get blown up offended about it. I just said "our" hair is like this because (because come on if guys grew out their hair they would like just like us) and after trying to deny it he listened to me. I still ended up hanging out with him.

Now the thing is this isn't my first time going through this. I seem to find guys will still complement me saying I'm beautiful but somehow diss my hair. I excuse it because I feel like they were brain washed to think this way and they can't help but regurgitate what they hear. Plus either way my hair isn't going to change.

But I was wonder in comparison if you find me too laid back. Should I kick every friend or guy out the door automatically when they come up with a diss for my hair? Or do you too excuse them for their ignorance?

by dajewel 19th February 2011, 11:54 am

i don't have patience or energy to tolerate ignorance like this. i like to go to where all of me is celebrated and not simply tolerated. also, kindly inform them that your hair is a means to an end...meaning it will get longer. and if they do not see, accept, support this notion than they need to step aside and make room for the fellas that will (u may want to explicitly tell them this).

by Kea::curls 19th February 2011, 11:58 am

I think it depends on your relationship with them. A lot of my closest friends are guys and no matter what the topic is, they find a reason to make fun of each other every time we meet up. Everyone in our group has something that they get jokingly criticized about (maybe their height, their choice in who they're dating...) but for me its my hair. Since I know how playful they are, I always excuse them and in time some of them have come around to seeing the beauty in my hair.

On the other hand, if someone is constantly making snide comments (like my little brother) and I know that he's not doing it out of...friendliness...then I make sure to return with a comment that is not rude, but will hopefully open up his mind a bit. I personally don't think that automatically cutting people out of your life will help (it won't help them see their ignorance and it won't help you learn how to deal with these people). But that's just my two cents...

by Jo Somebody 19th February 2011, 12:04 pm

I haven't needed to, but I would excuse people to an extent. I just have to look back a few years, and while I have always loved natural hair since childhood, there were MANY things I didn't understand until a few years ago. I was definitely in the 'I can't go natural because I don't have good hair' crowd and would look at girls with looser curls and immediately wonder what they were mixed with. I can certainly try to educate others, but who am I to judge?

by Indigo.Blue 19th February 2011, 12:07 pm

Is it a possibility that he is not brainwashed and that is really how he feels? You are not your hair, hair is just one of many factors that contributes to who you are. So, I guess I have to apologize for my ignorance, but I don't see the conflict. He clearly likes you and I hope you continue to give it a shot.

We are just starting to accept our hair. I think it is unfair to hold the rest of the world to higher standards than we can personally provide. It took most of us decades to decide to "go natural" and I think it is unfair to expect someone else to "get-it" or become "un-brainwashed" over night when our personal journey took years...

by **Lynnieluve** 19th February 2011, 12:47 pm

I agree with Kea, Indigo and Jo!

by deeply_rooted_chick 19th February 2011, 12:57 pm

dajewel wrote: also, kindly inform them that your hair is a means to an end...meaning it will get longer. and if they do not see, accept, support this notion than they need to step aside and make room for the fellas that will (u may want to explicitly tell them this).

The funny thing is he says my hair is long enough and I should just quit and straighten but I was like "no thanks I have a goal I still need to reach." when I told him it would take me two more years he looked surprised.

by deeply_rooted_chick 19th February 2011, 1:01 pm

Indigo.Blue wrote:Is it a possibility that he is not brainwashed and that is really how he feels? You are not your hair, hair is just one of many factors that contributes to who you are. So, I guess I have to apologize for my ignorance, but I don't see the conflict. He clearly likes you and I hope you continue to give it a shot.

That is possible it is probably just his preference. I was thinking I should just see him anyways but it's so crazy how we still throw around the slave word to each other. It really hurt me after he left for some reason.

by Indigo.Blue 19th February 2011, 1:32 pm

I apologize in advance, but slaves did not have relaxers...soooo...essentially...natural hair...nevermind.
I do understand how a reference to slave hair could be eyebrow raising, but sometimes the way to stop those types of comments is to say thanks...that was my intention...to go back to my origin...or whatever...Or you can say it is an homage to the struggles of your ancestors and how you are made of the blood of those who refused to die...the strongest of the strongest...
I don't know...I just think that if "slave hair" is perceived as a bad thing by us naturals, than are we agreeing that there is something wrong with slave hair...

by dajewel 19th February 2011, 2:20 pm

deeply_rooted_chick wrote:
dajewel wrote: also, kindly inform them that your hair is a means to an end...meaning it will get longer. and if they do not see, accept, support this notion than they need to step aside and make room for the fellas that will (u may want to explicitly tell them this).

The funny thing is he says my hair is long enough and I should just quit and straighten but I was like "no thanks I have a goal I still need to reach." when I told him it would take me two more years he looked surprised.

how does his response affect u, if at all? because his comment doesn't seem to be supportive or nurturing and would make me feel some kinda way. why does he want you to straighten your hair? i have had a similar situ in that the man really like me but his jokes would rub me a certain way (and am no way sensitive) even when i tried to explain to him natural hair. he also explicitly said that he prefers to date women with straight hair. that is not something that i intend on doing in the near and possible far future. as such, i let him know that how i wear my hair will not reconcile with his wants and for him to kindly find someone else who he needs to fit his idea of physical beauty.

u must understand that you do not have to put up with his or anyone's jokes. why? because in my experience for every one man that jokes you will find 10 more that don't see the justification for the type of jokes or comments that were questionable enough for your to write this post. do remember there are plenty of young men who understand the beauty of natural hair. amjustsaying

by dajewel 19th February 2011, 2:23 pm

deeply_rooted_chick wrote:
Indigo.Blue wrote:Is it a possibility that he is not brainwashed and that is really how he feels? You are not your hair, hair is just one of many factors that contributes to who you are. So, I guess I have to apologize for my ignorance, but I don't see the conflict. He clearly likes you and I hope you continue to give it a shot.

That is possible it is probably just his preference. I was thinking I should just see him anyways but it's so crazy how we still throw around the slave word to each other. It really hurt me after he left for some reason.

if u were hurt by this word, i highly suggest u bring this up to him asap because if you don't set a precedent now than he will continue.

by Indigo.Blue 19th February 2011, 2:38 pm

@dajewel...I don't know... I do know that I don't want people telling me what I can say and what I can't say. I agree with Kea::Curls when she referenced the intentions behind the comments and addressing them accordingly. If someone trys to give me rules on how to speak and how to think...they will fail...I don't understand the need to assert authority over another person by telling them what you will allow them to say and what you won't tolerate...

by dajewel 19th February 2011, 3:35 pm

Indigo.Blue wrote:@dajewel...I don't know... I do know that I don't want people telling me what I can say and what I can't say. I agree with Kea::Curls when she referenced the intentions behind the comments and addressing them accordingly. If someone trys to give me rules on how to speak and how to think...they will fail...I don't understand the need to assert authority over another person by telling them what you will allow them to say and what you won't tolerate...

huh?? it is not about showcasing authority. however, we all have a right to tell someone if and when their words are hurtful. and if they continue to use words, phrases, etc that make one feel uncomfortable after telling them you feeling some kinda way, then do know that you don't have to tolerate and such quickly remove self from said situation. you teach people how you want to be treated.

by Indigo.Blue 19th February 2011, 7:26 pm

@dajewel...I am sorry for any misundersandings in my reply (re: huh??)...When a person make a demand of another person, it is showcasing authority. I just think that people spend so much time and energy trying to change everyone else when the only person anyone can change is themselves. All of that energy and lists of do's, dont's, and acceptable behaviors would be better spent on introspection instead of telling the next person what words they are allowed to use in your presence.

Am I saying that a person cannot express themselves and have a conversation about what makes them uncomfortable...absolutely not. I totally agree with you that people have a right to express things that makes them feel uncomfortable. I actually encourage it. I just think it is funny when someone makes demands on how they think I should be...If my personality conflicts with another person, than they have 6.8 billion other choices of people to chose from.

I think that Kea::Curls brought up a great point. Intentions means so much more than words.

I also do not believe that "you teach people the way you want to be treated." I believe everyone should be treated with the upmost care regardless if they taught you how to treat them or not. So if I have low self esteem and have a poor self image, does that mean I deserve to be treated badly?

I see women do that to their men all of the time...they make all of these demands on what he can say and what he can do...after a while, she is complaining that he is not the same person she fell in love with...after she changed his character...she is now unhappy...he feels like he has to walk on eggshells to have a simple conversation...and...well..

I don't know...this is just another one of my unpopular opinions...

by Intelligentbeauty 20th February 2011, 12:22 am

I agree with Dajewel. I don't believe anyone has a right to disrespect anyone in seriousness or jest. And the latter is just immature.

Personally, I would have vocalized his ignorance on the term "slave hair.". Regardless of the way I felt about the term because obviously he was using it in a derogatory way. And that needs to be address if we were to go any further.

by Aunt_Lola 20th February 2011, 12:26 am

I'm sorry, I didn't read all the responses.
I'm still stuck at "slave hair."

So dude said you had "slave hair" and you still like him? confused

You're a beautiful young woman and there are too many men in the world to worry about one that has negative things to say about your hair.

by dajewel 20th February 2011, 12:46 am

thank you Ib and aunt lola! i knew I wasn't being unreasonable or crazy.

by deeply_rooted_chick 20th February 2011, 12:49 am

@ dajewel
I think it might be that ever since I got back into the dating game the only guys who really approached me are guy I knew before going natural. Therefore I know they already know me and like me on a certain level they just dont like my hair. So I'm hoping they get used to it and start to like it like I have cause in the end it is all just hair.

by dajewel 20th February 2011, 1:00 am

understandable....however, do know that there are plenty of us naturals who didn't see pickings so slim that we had to settle for guys to diss our hair like the ones you are dealing with. please keep in mind that alot of us have dated or are married to men who actually encouraged us to go or stay natural. and i can tell you from my personal experience these guys aren't the 'militant' ones but are regular good men of in all ethnicities. so, stop settling.

by creolebeauty1 20th February 2011, 1:00 am

i think people change overtime and as a woman you deserve a man that will love and appreciate all of you naturally and can see your true beauty all the way so if he can't appreciate your courage to be 'different" and cannot be an alliance to you than in my opinion he is really not a good choice for a partner who wants someone that constantly wants to put them down ?

by dajewel 20th February 2011, 1:04 am

ditto @creolebeauty

by creolebeauty1 20th February 2011, 1:05 am

by the way i'm sorry to answer your question i would say have a talk to him and be honest about how you feel about his comments and so on and ask him to stop and try to be more supportive and if he keep it up drop that zero and get you a hero lol

by deeply_rooted_chick 20th February 2011, 1:08 am

lol thanks creolebeauty and to everyone else who responded. I guess I need to be more patient and the right one will come along.

by pretty,Pleaseee 20th February 2011, 1:34 am

Indigo.Blue wrote:@dajewel...I am sorry for any misundersandings in my reply (re: huh??)...When a person make a demand of another person, it is showcasing authority. I just think that people spend so much time and energy trying to change everyone else when the only person anyone can change is themselves. All of that energy and lists of do's, dont's, and acceptable behaviors would be better spent on introspection instead of telling the next person what words they are allowed to use in your presence.

Am I saying that a person cannot express themselves and have a conversation about what makes them uncomfortable...absolutely not. I totally agree with you that people have a right to express things that makes them feel uncomfortable. I actually encourage it. I just think it is funny when someone makes demands on how they think I should be...If my personality conflicts with another person, than they have 6.8 billion other choices of people to chose from.

I think that Kea::Curls brought up a great point. Intentions means so much more than words.

I also do not believe that "you teach people the way you want to be treated." I believe everyone should be treated with the upmost care regardless if they taught you how to treat them or not. So if I have low self esteem and have a poor self image, does that mean I deserve to be treated badly?

I see women do that to their men all of the time...they make all of these demands on what he can say and what he can do...after a while, she is complaining that he is not the same person she fell in love with...after she changed his character...she is now unhappy...he feels like he has to walk on eggshells to have a simple conversation...and...well..

I don't know...this is just another one of my unpopular opinions...

I agree with you Indigo, but I always seem to have some kind of agreement with you when you post these "unpopular opinions"

Since transitioning and learning more about going natural I try to distance myself from the whole "I'm going natural lemmie educated you on how you TOO should feel about natural hair" Movement. I know that not everyone will feel the way I feel about hair. Its not that relevant in many cases. I dont like when people get blonde purple blue red orange yellow weaves, or dye their hair that color but I in no way shape or form need that person who's preference is that choice to educate me on hair dye. I see where you are coming from.

As for the original poster If you're offended by what this boy said by all means let him know. Just know that you probably cannot change how he genuinely FEELS about natural hair overnight. IF your hair is that big of an issue with him or you FEEL it is a big issue then just dont talk about hair with him, everyone is entitled to there own opinion, what you like may not be of interest to him. IF the only problem is his views on what hairstyle he likes, are you really willing to just cut him off because of that? that sounds very very unreasonable.

by bpjedi 20th February 2011, 2:24 am

Hard to say. My gut reaction is to keep him in the "possibility" category rather than the "keeper" category until he accepts you as you are. In other words, if you otherwise enjoy spending time with him, do so--maybe he'll change. If he's stubborn and continues to hurt your feelings, don't feel obligated to continue to change his mind and put in a ton of your energy to do so. There are other guys, and some of them love our natural hair Smile

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