How often do you excuse people?

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Re: How often do you excuse people?

Post by Indigo.Blue on 20th February 2011, 3:31 am

@pretty, pleaseee: Thanks for understanding where I was coming from...
Also, I agree with EVERY WORD you said ( I can't quote...using phone)...you are wise for an 18 year old. It is soooo important to be balanced and understanding of both sides of the story...not just one perspective. If we would consider the other person's perspective a little more, communication would be a little easier...


I don't understand how "slave hair" can be offensive unless one is agreeing that slaves had offensive hair. They had natural hair just like me. Can someone explain how that is offensive...please...So naturals are not okay with slave's hair but we want the world to accept our hair...maybe I am slow...but I just don't get it...

It is rare (except on tv and in fictional books) to find someone you like everything about... I am sure there are things about the guy that makes you (you is used generally) apprehensive. Just because he dose not favor your hair style should not be grounds for termination...that is the least of your worries. If you are looking for someone to love everything about you...well...all I have to say is good luck with that one...most people don't even like everything about themselves, yet they expect the man to love it...ooookay...
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Re: How often do you excuse people?

Post by creolebeauty1 on 20th February 2011, 4:05 am

@ indigo i think if someone said to me you have 'slave hair' i wouldn't take it as a compliment because more than likely he is not saying it as a compliment , slave hair to me would be unkept , smelly , dirty nasty hair , because slaves did not have time , rights, products to maintain their hair that's why to me 'slave hair' wouldn't be a compliment , now if he told her your hair is kinky and she was offended i could understand your point but 'slave hair " to me equals unkept hair being that the slaves did not have proper equipments and time to achieve the results we can today , i'm almost certain the masters wife probably made sure the slaves had no time to do their hair just to humiliate them further (my theory of course )
As far as not finding someone who will like everything about you whether physically , or mentally i can understand that no one is going to love everything about you but the opposite of praise isn't constant put down , if my bf told me i don't like natural hair , or i don't like your hair in it's natural state that's fine i wouldn't break up with him but i would explain to him that i like it it's my hair and i do not intend to change it for him but if he day in , day out makes fun of me and my hair and uses derogatory terms to describe my hair and so on i would have to call it quit because to me that's a form of abuse but of course that's just me and my opinions that would lead to my actions , i recon others with different views will go about it differently
Great point granted we do not like everything about ourselves and everyone do not have to like everything about us to expect such would be delusional but i do think most women want respect and someone that will love them in and out and find them beautiful naturally i know i do Smile
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Re: How often do you excuse people?

Post by Indigo.Blue on 20th February 2011, 4:50 am

@creolebeauty...I totally love to debate with you...this is the way communication should be...anyway...

With that being said, I think you are reading into "slave hair"...gosh, I am offended that they are described as smelly, dirty nasty, and unkept...(not really offended...but...)...He clearly was not implying that her hair was all of that when he said slave hair because it is apparent that those adjectives do not describe modern day curlies... I am sure he is referring to texture. I am super sensitive and my feelings are made of glass, but I don't understand how we can essentially say ill or ewww to "slave hair" when that is what I /we have. Natural...unchanged...back to my african roots...slave hair...

Please don't take this debate as me being oblivious to the way slave hair can be used derogatorily...I just think we are ready to fight every chance we get. I think we create these enemies...and essentially end up fighting a war against our selves...I can't degrade slave hair and in the same breath condemn the next person for saying the same thing...

I totally agree that constantly saying something to intentionally hurt someone is verbal abuse...but you would leave him because of the verbal abuse not because of you hair...even though hair was the subject of the abuse...hair is just a correlation...not the cause ( I hope that makes sense)...
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Re: How often do you excuse people?

Post by creolebeauty1 on 20th February 2011, 9:27 am

I totally agree that constantly saying something to intentionally hurt someone is verbal abuse...but you would leave him because of the verbal abuse not because of you hair...even though hair was the subject of the abuse...hair is just a correlation...not the cause ( I hope that makes sense)

Yes that makes perfect sense to me and i wasn't suggesting she leaves based on his feelings towards not liking "natural " hair her hair like i said that can be a matter of preference but if he is constantly putting her down because of her choice to wear her hair the way she wants to i would suggest she keeps it moving , like for example(not really a good one since we were born with our hair this way but i'll try to use it anyways) Let's say a woman is obese and got this way over a period of time i feel their mate if do not want them in that state should encourage them to work out and even help them do so being supportive is the word like yes not everyone has to like everything about us but i would pray my future husband life partner supports my choices in life it makes life easier , not only she will have to validate herself to the world now she will have to do so with him i feel like in certain things you and your partner should be an united front to avoid conflict ... but life isn't perfect ,i'm just a perfectionist in an tainted world ...
As far as what's slave hair that goes back to my interpretation of it is to me , i mean o know her hair is not smelly , knotted up and so on but that's what i would think slave hair looks like unkept , but i agree if you are natural you are celebrating yor heritage somewhat and can't think slave had bad hair , bad hair meaning texture , but to me "bad hair " = "slave hair" witch would be unkept hair and "good hair" would equal healthy , clean fabulous natural highly textured hair but i'll say this if someone told me i had slave hair i would probably be sarcastic smile say thank you than if they tell me it wasn't meant to be a compliment i might go postal lol jk
But i can understand where you are coming from entirely ,it's a pity that we "naturals" sometimes already get put down by friends , peers , family to add your mate to it only add insult to injury , i always say this i can't pick my family but i sure as H*** can pick my friends and lovers lol
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Re: How often do you excuse people?

Post by pretty,Pleaseee on 20th February 2011, 2:37 pm

after reading all the points made about the term slave hair I started to think that If the offense is the words "slave hair" maybe instead of automatically being offended because he said those words perhaps laugh it off and then ASK him "what is slave hair?" i know many people don't think to do this when someone comes off as offensive at times but that is what I would do. I don't care for arguements or tension in the air. If someone say something offensive it may not have been intentionally. And they may not even know that it offended you unless you tell him. I'm thinking maybe she (the original poster) should tell him she was offended and to describe HIS DEFINITION of what slave hair is. Then she can explain what she took it as and why she was offended and she can tell him what her hair means to her. I think it is THAT simple. I cannot stress how many arguements and conflicts would be put to the side by simply asking wht is meant instead of jumping to conclusions. Communication is key , why get upset right off the back when you don't even know HIS DEFINITION of slave hair.

And I'm pretty sure he's just gonna say "nappy" or describe the texture. I highly doubt that he would be talking to her if he thought she had smelly, dirty hair.
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Re: How often do you excuse people?

Post by DvaAuNaturel on 20th February 2011, 6:46 pm

creolebeauty1 wrote:i think people change overtime and as a woman you deserve a man that will love and appreciate all of you naturally and can see your true beauty all the way so if he can't appreciate your courage to be 'different" and cannot be an alliance to you than in my opinion he is really not a good choice for a partner who wants someone that constantly wants to put them down ?

Agree 100%/Ditto.

Don't make it too heavy. It's an education process so just explain how you feel and why you're wearing your hair natural. If he still behaves insensitively then you'll know he's not worth your time.

creolebeauty1 wrote:by the way i'm sorry to answer your question i would say have a talk to him and be honest about how you feel about his comments and so on and ask him to stop and try to be more supportive and if he keep it up drop that zero and get you a hero lol

Agree/Ditto! lol!
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Re: How often do you excuse people?

Post by butterfly3000 on 21st February 2011, 12:22 pm

I know its tough out there for single black females but come on Really? I personally wouldn't waste my time on this clown. Its the connotation of the word "slave" which has a negative and hurtful meaning, not that slaves had bad hair (whatever that is).

"The funny thing is he says my hair is long enough and I should just quit and straighten but I was like "no thanks I have a goal I still need to reach." when I told him it would take me two more years he looked surprised.."

This almost troubles me more than the slave statement. Long enough for whom? Quit what? Straighten it why?
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Re: How often do you excuse people?

Post by Nessa101 on 21st February 2011, 1:25 pm

Plain and simple he sounds like a douchebag. It obviously bothered you or else you wouldn't have brought it up. I would bring it up to him and try talking about it and if that doesn't work then its ON TO THE NEXT!
Your too pretty and you've come too far in your journey to have a guy put you down!
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Re: How often do you excuse people?

Post by Indigo.Blue on 21st February 2011, 6:58 pm

Well, good luck whatever you decide. Sometimes we say the silliest things trying to break the ice or start conversation...I don't understand why anyone would believe he would insult you when he clearly likes you.

I remember this guy who I once dated loved my hair back off of my face. I hated it...I would wear my hair the way he like it every once in a while...because I believe in listening to other's wants and needs...not just what I want...IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT ME...ME...ME...ME...ME...ME...ME...

You ladies are so HARD on people especially when you want the media, black men, and the world to take it easy on you...Quick to demand the world to accept you as you are, yet, you are excessively concerned with inconsequential details in others... When he starts to look for the same acceptance you demand within other ethnicities because the sterotype is living itself out and "sisters are too hard on a brother"... *girl, nevermind him, he was just a weak man anyway...we were just asserting our authority because we would never let anyone walk all over us...and he is not a real man if he has a problem with it...*

Thus creates another sterotype..."black women can't find a man"...and we are crying on the news segments and having these panel discussions about the quality of men in the world...especially since I am perfect as I am...it has to be the man who is incomplete...

Raise your hand if you have NEVER made or thought a negative comment about black hair: "you got those nigger naps", "comb your peasy hair", "you got that African hair", "you need a relaxer", "you look like buckwheat"...whatever...

I demand that you love me as I am...but wait...let me fix you first...
I vow to never deny another what I demand...Anyway, whatever... *long sigh*
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Re: How often do you excuse people?

Post by pretty,Pleaseee on 21st February 2011, 8:19 pm

Indigo.Blue wrote:Well, good luck whatever you decide. Sometimes we say the silliest things trying to break the ice or start conversation...I don't understand why anyone would believe he would insult you when he clearly likes you. BINGO !! , HELLOOOOOO , this is what I was talking about lol. like why would he insult someone he likes. prime example of people taking things the wrong way and running with it , instead of trying to understand assumptions are made

I remember this guy who I once dated loved my hair back off of my face. I hated it...I would wear my hair the way he like it every once in a while...because I believe in listening to other's wants and needs...not just what I want...IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT ME...ME...ME...ME...ME...ME...ME...

You ladies are so HARD on people especially when you want the media, black men, and the world to take it easy on you...Quick to demand the world to accept you as you are, yet, you are excessively concerned with inconsequential details in others... When he starts to look for the same acceptance you demand within other ethnicities because the sterotype is living itself out and "sisters are too hard on a brother"... *girl, nevermind him, he was just a weak man anyway...we were just asserting our authority because we would never let anyone walk all over us...and he is not a real man if he has a problem with it...*

Thus creates another sterotype..."black women can't find a man"...and we are crying on the news segments and having these panel discussions about the quality of men in the world...especially since I am perfect as I am...it has to be the man who is incomplete...

Raise your hand if you have NEVER made or thought a negative comment about black hair: "you got those nigger naps", "comb your peasy hair", "you got that African hair", "you need a relaxer", "you look like buckwheat"...whatever...

I demand that you love me as I am...but wait...let me fix you first... this ! all the way ! thats the only thing i keep seeing throughout this post, and people calling him out of his name making him seem like a bad guy from one possibly misunderstood statement. its ridiculous, but to each his or in this case HER own. I just find it sad.
I vow to never deny another what I demand...Anyway, whatever... *long sigh*
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Re: How often do you excuse people?

Post by Ambitious_Tiff on 21st February 2011, 8:31 pm

I must agree with the "unpopular opinion". Find out first what he meant by "slave hair" and go from there. You'll have to decide is that statement worth giving up on him over. If you felt it was so derogatory, why are you sticking around? Clearly his pros outweight his cons. Relationships are about balance. You will never find a man that you love absolutely everything about and vice versa. You just have to decide what flaws you're willing to put up with to achieve your ultimate goal of happiness with another person...
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Re: How often do you excuse people?

Post by Ambitious_Tiff on 21st February 2011, 8:40 pm

Oh and as for your question... No I don't see anything wrong with you guys continuing to hang out if this is the only problem. He clearly likes you but may or may not prefer your hair. I have yet to kick someone to the curb because of anything they don't like about me. I guess I excuse people and their "ignorance" all the time. People will always have preferences. Why should you stop dating or communicating with someone just because they don't agree with you on a particular subject or y'all don't share the same opinion on everything? If one was to behave this way, it would be a very lonely existence...
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Re: How often do you excuse people?

Post by Indigo.Blue on 21st February 2011, 10:43 pm

Thanks Tiff and Pretty,Pleaseee for understanding human nature...

Lost in translation with a whole...nation...

You give me hope that the world is not as bad as I think it is...the bridge becomes a more appealing option everyday...

"Goodnight crule world...I'll see you in the morning..." Kanye
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Re: How often do you excuse people?

Post by creolebeauty1 on 21st February 2011, 11:42 pm

I THINK that she should talk to him about his comment but i will almost bet everyone on this forum a thousand bucks (putting my money where my mouth is maybe lol ) that he will not say when i said slave hair i was referring , channeling the beauty in the ancient slaves hair , not a doubt in my mind he was trying to be rude and offensive , but of course only he truly knows his intentions , i don't think a man should like EVERYTHING about his woman but there are a few things that can be avoided like if i know my religion is a big deal to me and i do not intend on converting and i meet a man who's religion is as strong to them why waist time arguing and battling when we can part ways and be happy with other people that's my theory in life "Qui se ressemble s'assemble "
As far as the stereotypes you quoted @ Indigo i think maybe you are feeding into each situation as a stereotype to make a statement why can't we simply be women that want our men to be supportive of our decisions and lifestyles this is not a foreign emotion to white women but i don't hear that has issue in their community
Personally i don't fit nor do i apply any stereotypes to my life i do what i feel and i don't think any of us should allow stereotypes to dictate our decisions in life there are single , bitter , loud , etc women of all colors
I can raise my hands from a very young age i have always been uncomfortable with skin tone jokes , and when people would say a person look african or his ugly for looking african i always challenged them on why ? and also demanded why was our race the only group of people that find those closer to our black ancestors "ugly" ? so because i have always been like that i never made those statement but i use to say i needed a relaxer not because i didn't like my hair but because i truly believed after 6 weeks my hair will start falling out and looked pretty weird witch it did nothing to do anything else but the fact tht if you are relaxed you will know when a relaxer is due just my 2 cents
TO the poster i read your last update he said you should relax your hair ? when he said that did you ask him why ? and when you told him it will take you 2 years to reach your goal , did you ask him why he did not like your hair in it's original state ? if not maybe you should ask ? and listen to see is answers
Do what i do give him enough rope to hang himself and see if he is smart enough to hang himself or save himself lol
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Re: How often do you excuse people?

Post by Nessa101 on 22nd February 2011, 12:56 am

Amen creole beauty. AGREE AGREE AGREE
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Re: How often do you excuse people?

Post by Nessa101 on 22nd February 2011, 12:59 am

I think saying when he said slave hair he was referring to the beautiful unique texture of your hair is just plain bull. Slaves were inferior and looked down upon. He should know that it's offensive to say something like that. That's like when people say your skin is burnt. They aren't referring to the beautiful rich chocolate complexion. It's offensive smh
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Re: How often do you excuse people?

Post by tashafawn24 on 22nd February 2011, 2:06 am

I'm quite sure this guy haven't been sleeping under a rock! Look around, there's natural hair everywhere now! On television, in magazines, even in the news. Natural hair is everywhere, plus the fact that his own mother has locks!? I'm confused? Why would he use the term "Slave hair" to describe natural hair?

He could have said "nappy hair" like every other well meaning person but he didn't. The problem I have is this; black men know how important our hair is to us. Any idiot can see that so why did he go for the jugular on this one?
I don't get uptight when someone says something bad about my hair because I KNOW my hair is the ish and everyone who says other wise could kick rocks! My stuff is mine, it's healthy, and its a work in progress so if he can't see that then kick him to the side.

Life is too short to have to settle for people who can't pick up a book and learn about their own culture and appreciate all forms of beauty. To disrespect your hair with that comment is to disrespect his own mother and ancestors. Ask him did he use that term to his mother's face?

People need to start putting people in their places; it doesn't have to be an arguement but it shouldn't be something we let slide.
Nothing turns my stomach more than a black man speaking ill against a black woman's crown.
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Re: How often do you excuse people?

Post by bpjedi on 22nd February 2011, 2:08 am

Indigo.Blue wrote:...You ladies are so HARD on people especially when you want the media, black men, and the world to take it easy on you...
Thus creates another sterotype..."black women can't find a man"...and we are crying on the news segments and having these panel discussions about the quality of men in the world...especially since I am perfect as I am...it has to be the man who is incomplete...
I demand that you love me as I am...but wait...let me fix you first...
I vow to never deny another what I demand...Anyway, whatever... *long sigh*

@Indigo,
My comment came from my perspective as my natural hair never being a negative issue with the guys I dated in college. It just didn't come up in conversation all that much, other than the occasional compliment. There were probably guys who didn't like my hair, but they didn't step up to me in the first place--there were other girls for them. The summer after graduation, I started dating my now husband, who really doesn't care all that much about my hair. One of his favorite styles on me is with a TWA, but he doesn't complain about anything else I do, and never makes negative comments. I'm not some sort of special superwoman, so I figured my situation isn't that rare.

Marriage takes real work, every day. You have to support your parter in everything. Parents die. Someone else gets your dream job. You think long and hard about when and how to raise children. You get caught up in the quotidian stuff of running a household--doing dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, bills. That stuff is the real stuff, and it's all worth it with the right person.

Dating shouldn't be that much work or drama, at least not at the beginning. With the right one, the honeymoon that no one tells you about is when you first start dating. A decade ago, I didn't date all princes, and put up with some trifling stuff. If, however, I could talk to my 21 year-old self, I'd tell her not to waste my time with any guy that was hurtful at the beginning. If a guy is tripping over my hair, what will he do when I gain weight with pregnancy? Or when I get wrinkles? Or when stuff starts to sag?

I don't know the entirety of deeply_rooted_chick's situation, so I'm not telling her what to do. But, in general, I don't think there's anything wrong with ending things with a guy who doesn't make you feel good about yourself. Dating is a way to get to know a potential parter--there's no reason not to move on to someone else if it doesn't work, even for black women.
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Re: How often do you excuse people?

Post by tashafawn24 on 22nd February 2011, 2:18 am

I don't like the term "slave hair" because our roots didn't originate in slavery. You see, it's quite the opposite in my opinion. Slave hair would be relaxed hair. My hair is free! It's no longer a slave to the relaxer...it's free to do what it does...naturally!
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Re: How often do you excuse people?

Post by tashafawn24 on 22nd February 2011, 2:38 am

bpjedi wrote:
Indigo.Blue wrote:...You ladies are so HARD on people especially when you want the media, black men, and the world to take it easy on you...
Thus creates another sterotype..."black women can't find a man"...and we are crying on the news segments and having these panel discussions about the quality of men in the world...especially since I am perfect as I am...it has to be the man who is incomplete...
I demand that you love me as I am...but wait...let me fix you first...
I vow to never deny another what I demand...Anyway, whatever... *long sigh*

@Indigo,
My comment came from my perspective as my natural hair never being a negative issue with the guys I dated in college. It just didn't come up in conversation all that much, other than the occasional compliment. There were probably guys who didn't like my hair, but they didn't step up to me in the first place--there were other girls for them. The summer after graduation, I started dating my now husband, who really doesn't care all that much about my hair. One of his favorite styles on me is with a TWA, but he doesn't complain about anything else I do, and never makes negative comments. I'm not some sort of special superwoman, so I figured my situation isn't that rare.

Marriage takes real work, every day. You have to support your parter in everything. Parents die. Someone else gets your dream job. You think long and hard about when and how to raise children. You get caught up in the quotidian stuff of running a household--doing dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, bills. That stuff is the real stuff, and it's all worth it with the right person.

Dating shouldn't be that much work or drama, at least not at the beginning. With the right one, the honeymoon that no one tells you about is when you first start dating. A decade ago, I didn't date all princes, and put up with some trifling stuff. If, however, I could talk to my 21 year-old self, I'd tell her not to waste my time with any guy that was hurtful at the beginning. If a guy is tripping over my hair, what will he do when I gain weight with pregnancy? Or when I get wrinkles? Or when stuff starts to sag?

I don't know the entirety of deeply_rooted_chick's situation, so I'm not telling her what to do. But, in general, I don't think there's anything wrong with ending things with a guy who doesn't make you feel good about yourself. Dating is a way to get to know a potential parter--there's no reason not to move on to someone else if it doesn't work, even for black women.

Thank you!!! It's okay for others to have a choice and find the right person for them but when it comes to black women we should just take what we can get. I guess we should just suck it up and get anyone with a pulse! Black women have standards too! Everyone woman deserves to have a man that loves ALL of her.
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Re: How often do you excuse people?

Post by Takeya on 22nd February 2011, 12:20 pm

This is an interesting topic and I largely agree that the comment alone is no reason to kick the man to the curb. However, I do believe we all should have standards and know what we will and will not tolerate!

For example, I hate the look of men with long hair, especially dreadlocks! I can find a man attractive but will pay him little to no attention if he has dreads! Now suppose I meet him on a blind date and he sweeps me off my feet. I enjoy our date together very much and probably agree to a second date. Over the course of time, I grow to really like him but he's still got that hair...what do I do?

I would probably say something to him, letting him know that I don't like it and maybe he'll tell me he doesn't like my nose. Should we end it all...the potential for a long-term, loving relationship because I don't like his hair and he doesn't like my nose? Is it possible for me to love him completely without loving his hair? Can he love me completely without loving my nose?

I say YES...it's called unconditional love! That doesn't mean you love everything about him/ her, it means you love them regardless!!! I think it's unreasonable to expect someone to love everything about you or vice versa. Those unrealistic expectations, and the quickness with which we drop people, are why it seems like marriage is becoming obselete and over half of all marriages end in divorce (black, white, or otherwise).

On the other hand, if he's a drug addict and abuses me when he's high, I'll have to kick him to the curb...literally!!!
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Re: How often do you excuse people?

Post by yldthng on 22nd February 2011, 12:53 pm

WOW - I guess I never realized there were all these preconceived negativities about wearing your hair in it's natural state.

My hair is not up for discussion. Feel free to tell me it's cute or whatever, but I'm not listening to negativity about my hair and how I choose to wear it.

Some things are personal - my hair is one of those things. What I do with it, and how I wear it is my business.

Any man who makes my hair seem like a negative thing is not the man for me.
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Re: How often do you excuse people?

Post by Ambitious_Tiff on 22nd February 2011, 2:30 pm

Indigo.Blue wrote:Thanks Tiff and Pretty,Pleaseee for understanding human nature...

Lost in translation with a whole...nation...

You give me hope that the world is not as bad as I think it is...the bridge becomes a more appealing option everyday...

"Goodnight crule world...I'll see you in the morning..." Kanye

Yes, I understand. I used to make some of the same comments and jokes that get some of us in an uproar when I was less informed and less aware of how there is nothing wrong with ones natural kinks. Sometimes we do have unrealistic expectations of others and their behavior. Its not unusual to see people holding their mates to higher standards than they hold themselves and its not fair. So often it seems we are LOOKING for a fight or something to "check" people on... No

Nessa101 wrote: I think saying when he said slave hair he was referring to the beautiful unique texture of your hair is just plain bull. Slaves were inferior and looked down upon. He should know that it's offensive to say something like that. That's like when people say your skin is burnt. They aren't referring to the beautiful rich chocolate complexion. It's offensive smh

Inferior to whom? Looked down upon by whom? The inferiority complex was perpetuated by WHITE people who were looking for ways to control us and break us down... Divide and conquer us further. We didn't come over here trying to degrade one another by saying, "You got slave hair". That's absurd. "Slave hair" as an insult is something that we were conditioned to think. That "slave hair" is the same hair we LEFT Africa with. It is unfortunate that those sentiments and tactics have endured but they will continue to do so if we let it. However, I can understand how one could see it as offensive as the standard of beauty for some leans in a different direction and may not mesh with what we personally feel is beautiful.
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Ambitious_Tiff

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Re: How often do you excuse people?

Post by dajewel on 22nd February 2011, 4:46 pm

tashafawn24 wrote:
bpjedi wrote:
Indigo.Blue wrote:...You ladies are so HARD on people especially when you want the media, black men, and the world to take it easy on you...
Thus creates another sterotype..."black women can't find a man"...and we are crying on the news segments and having these panel discussions about the quality of men in the world...especially since I am perfect as I am...it has to be the man who is incomplete...
I demand that you love me as I am...but wait...let me fix you first...
I vow to never deny another what I demand...Anyway, whatever... *long sigh*

@Indigo,
My comment came from my perspective as my natural hair never being a negative issue with the guys I dated in college. It just didn't come up in conversation all that much, other than the occasional compliment. There were probably guys who didn't like my hair, but they didn't step up to me in the first place--there were other girls for them. The summer after graduation, I started dating my now husband, who really doesn't care all that much about my hair. One of his favorite styles on me is with a TWA, but he doesn't complain about anything else I do, and never makes negative comments. I'm not some sort of special superwoman, so I figured my situation isn't that rare.

Marriage takes real work, every day. You have to support your parter in everything. Parents die. Someone else gets your dream job. You think long and hard about when and how to raise children. You get caught up in the quotidian stuff of running a household--doing dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, bills. That stuff is the real stuff, and it's all worth it with the right person.

Dating shouldn't be that much work or drama, at least not at the beginning. With the right one, the honeymoon that no one tells you about is when you first start dating. A decade ago, I didn't date all princes, and put up with some trifling stuff. If, however, I could talk to my 21 year-old self, I'd tell her not to waste my time with any guy that was hurtful at the beginning. If a guy is tripping over my hair, what will he do when I gain weight with pregnancy? Or when I get wrinkles? Or when stuff starts to sag?

I don't know the entirety of deeply_rooted_chick's situation, so I'm not telling her what to do. But, in general, I don't think there's anything wrong with ending things with a guy who doesn't make you feel good about yourself. Dating is a way to get to know a potential parter--there's no reason not to move on to someone else if it doesn't work, even for black women.

Thank you!!! It's okay for others to have a choice and find the right person for them but when it comes to black women we should just take what we can get. I guess we should just suck it up and get anyone with a pulse (i co-sign with this sarcasm)! Black women have standards too! Everyone woman deserves to have a man that loves ALL of her .

BOOM!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!
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dajewel

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Re: How often do you excuse people?

Post by dajewel on 22nd February 2011, 4:47 pm

yldthng wrote:WOW - I guess I never realized there were all these preconceived negativities about wearing your hair in it's natural state.

My hair is not up for discussion. Feel free to tell me it's cute or whatever, but I'm not listening to negativity about my hair and how I choose to wear it.

Some things are personal - my hair is one of those things. What I do with it, and how I wear it is my business.

Any man who makes my hair seem like a negative thing is not the man for me.

exactly!!!
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Re: How often do you excuse people?

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