Who Taught You to Hate Yourself?

I'm not Muslim. But I think we can all learn something from what he is saying in this video. I thought out this after seeing a startling statement on a thread today, and the quote he makes in this video was the first thing that came to mind. It saddens me that we as a people do not love ourselves. Anyway, Feel free to comment.

Honestly? ...I'd have to say family. Nothing about me was never "enough" to them. I wasn't normal (whatever THAT means) "enough". My hair wasn't long "enough". I didn't weigh "enough". I wasn't pretty "enough". I wasn't smart "enough". Not talented "enough". Not BLACK "enough". Not popular "enough". Not religious "enough". And when it came to my father? He doesn't love you "enough". He's not interested "enough". Both of which were true, but hurtful to a child nonetheless.

Imagine all that being pumped into your head from the age of FIVE, and to have it INTENSIFY as you grow older?

But the damage begins when you actually start to BELIEVE the foolishness and the ignorance. To BELIEVE in something, is to give it POWER. The more you give POWER to something, the more it'll either help you or consume you. The brand of negativity I received, I let that consume me for part of my teens, and a fair chunk of my 20s. I was miserable, lonely, depressed and I couldn't stand myself. Had any of you met me prior to 2008, you would NOT have met a happy person...in fact, you would've met an alcoholic who wore a front that everything was rainbows and sunshine. It was anything BUT that, until I shook off the negativity AND the source in late 2008. I've been sober 2 1/2 years, and life has been great ever since.

So while I agree with Brother Malcom entirely regardless of religion, I think an additional question should be asked: "If someone or something in your life perpetrates negativity, WHY DO YOU GIVE THEM OR IT POWER OVER YOU?" Because POWER also equals CONTROL, and if you let negativity CONTROL you, well...you'll fall as hard as I did. Maybe even harder.

I think in the AA community a lot of the self hate comes from slavery. People were told such horrible things about themseleves that I think some of them started to believe it and passed it on (maybe not knowing) generation to generation. It's a vicious cycle.

I have witnessed several AA people make fun of other skin colors or hair types or whatever. Obviously this is not everyone but I have seen this happen far too often. Now, I know they are friends and family, just joking around, but some of the stuff I have heard is so rude and I know deep down inside it hurts.

Now just to share a quick story...

My mother moved here a few months ago and put my 8 year old brother ( he is mexican/caucasian) in school. Now, he went from being in a school with mostly hispanic children to being in a school with mostly AA children. I saw him after his first day of school and asked him how it was. He said it was good, but he was sad because the whole class kept making fun of one boy. I asked why, etc. He said because the boy was really dark. Everyone kept making fun of his skin color and no one would let him sit with them at lunch so he went to sit with him.

Now where do 8 year olds learn things like this? I felt so bad, I wanted to hug the little boy and I didn't know him nor have I ever seen him.

Anyway, thanks for sharing the video...

@LadyMika
Families SHOULD be the ones you can come to for comfort. THey SHOULD be the ones who accept you unconditionally. But from your story, this is proof that this is not always the case. It's hard not to let negativity consume you, especially when it's from your family circle. I'm glad you were able to shake all that negativity, even if it was in your adulthood.

I can totally relate to what you're saying Mika. My family was the one who taught me to hate myself too. I don't blame them though, when you don't love yourself it's hard to teach someone else to love themself.

@ Mika and LaToya, I can def relate I was always singled out because I did not" fit "in the family all the things Mika said is how I felt and still feel they somethimes still leave me out saying "Well you know how Monique is..." And just how am I ? So sad....

Janique wrote:@LadyMika
Families SHOULD be the ones you can come to for comfort. THey SHOULD be the ones who accept you unconditionally. But from your story, this is proof that this is not always the case. It's hard not to let negativity consume you, especially when it's from your family circle. I'm glad you were able to shake all that negativity, even if it was in your adulthood.

Thank you, and I'm glad I cut them off too. They're very...selfish. They want everyone to do what THEY want them to do, and if you don't do it something is wrong with you and they hammer you until you cave in. That kind of negativity, I really don't need. The healing process is difficult, but I have a lot of good people around me now. So, it's not as difficult as it COULD have been if I was on my own. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

LaToya28 wrote:I can totally relate to what you're saying Mika. My family was the one who taught me to hate myself too. I don't blame them though, when you don't love yourself it's hard to teach someone else to love themself.

Honestly and looking back, I do believe they had A LOT of issues with self-worth. But instead of dealing with them, they shoved them onto whomever they felt was vulnerable which is a CLASSIC sign of insecurity. Considering what they'd been through themselves, I can understand WHY they felt the way they did. Yet, if they only realized that in hurting me that they were also hurting THEMSELVES. You don't heal yourself by creating wounds in another person. Hopefully BOTH our families do some much needed soul-searching and emerge from it with a better understanding of themselves.

LadyMika wrote:

Janique wrote:@LadyMika
Families SHOULD be the ones you can come to for comfort. THey SHOULD be the ones who accept you unconditionally. But from your story, this is proof that this is not always the case. It's hard not to let negativity consume you, especially when it's from your family circle. I'm glad you were able to shake all that negativity, even if it was in your adulthood.

Thank you, and I'm glad I cut them off too. They're very...selfish. They want everyone to do what THEY want them to do, and if you don't do it something is wrong with you and they hammer you until you cave in. That kind of negativity, I really don't need. The healing process is difficult, but I have a lot of good people around me now. So, it's not as difficult as it COULD have been if I was on my own. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

LaToya28 wrote:I can totally relate to what you're saying Mika. My family was the one who taught me to hate myself too. I don't blame them though, when you don't love yourself it's hard to teach someone else to love themself.

Honestly and looking back, I do believe they had A LOT of issues with self-worth. But instead of dealing with them, they shoved them onto whomever they felt was vulnerable which is a CLASSIC sign of insecurity. Considering what they'd been through themselves, I can understand WHY they felt the way they did. Yet, if they only realized that in hurting me that they were also hurting THEMSELVES. You don't heal yourself by creating wounds in another person. Hopefully BOTH our families do some much needed soul-searching and emerge from it with a better understanding of themselves.

Mika, I think what my family members felt about themselves they imposed on me because I was weaker, I am still repairing myself, How ever I try not to beat people down because I know how it feels

Curly_Aquarius wrote:@ Mika and LaToya, I can def relate I was always singled out because I did not" fit "in the family all the things Mika said is how I felt and still feel they somethimes still leave me out saying "Well you know how Monique is..." And just how am I ? So sad....

My family was NOTORIOUS for that. "You know how Mika is, she's into that "wierd" stuff." I'm sure if they saw me now, they'd probably disown me for "going too far". Why? Because I stopped relaxing my hair, I play music actively, I paint (and will be in an art show later this year), I go to concerts, I rub elbows with signed bands and I finally have a man that's right for ME in my life. It's a damn shame. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

WOW it's like looking in the mirror with you guys..

I've always been labeled as "weird" but I always got ridiculed about my weight, the way I dressed, ect. I can't even stomach my family.

LadyMika wrote:

Curly_Aquarius wrote:@ Mika and LaToya, I can def relate I was always singled out because I did not" fit "in the family all the things Mika said is how I felt and still feel they somethimes still leave me out saying "Well you know how Monique is..." And just how am I ? So sad....

My family was NOTORIOUS for that. "You know how Mika is, she's into that "wierd" stuff." I'm sure if they saw me now, they'd probably disown me for "going too far". Why? Because I stopped relaxing my hair, I play music actively, I paint (and will be in an art show later this year), I go to concerts, I rub elbows with signed bands and I finally have a man that's right for ME in my life. It's a damn shame. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Mika, (((HUGS))) I know exactly how you feel. I am in to natural hair, poetry, and living right and not shaking my near nude A$$ everywhere like my other kin

Tamren wrote:WOW it's like looking in the mirror with you guys..

I've always been labeled as "weird" but I always got ridiculed about my weight, the way I dressed, ect. I can't even stomach my family.

Girl don't get me started on weight

Mika, I'am also glad that you are now happy, I find it hard that when I was a newlywed I was put on blast for my problems but noone says a things about others and they cheating spouses and the stuff that goes on in my family, In my family studies classes Iam learning so much it is unreal.

My mother taught me to hate myself...she use to say all the time "Stop acting like you're cute" or "You ain't too good for an ass whoopin"
She never told me that I was beautiful but she always told my youngest sister that she was cute and beautiful all of the time. So I walked around as a teenager with my head hanging so low that people use to ask me why did I walk looking down at my feet (I never knew that I actually did that until folks would point it out). She made fun of my body as well and while I was in my mid teens she would make fun of my booty calling it flat like my father's or she use to talk about my nose and say that I didn't get that nose from her side of the family...

She use to call me stupid all of the time and always tell me I couldn't think for myself and that she wouldn't pay for me to go to college...okay, let me stop because I'm starting to tear up a bit. Needless to say our relationship now is a non existant one and she has two granddaughters that she has yet to meet.

She eventually kicked me out when I turned 18 and I signed up to join the service (Army), deployed to Iraq, got married, got my degree, and had two beautiful baby girls! God took all of those things that were there to destroy me and made a beautiful outcome!

But yeah, my mother taught me to hate myself but...God showed me how to love myself.

With all the torment I went through in an all white school and being to "black" in the neighborhood, I was suppose to hate myself. Thank God for a loving, supportive family! I was always told I was beautiful!! Yes, my feeling did get hurt time-to-time but I had my family's compliments as my rock!

tashafawn24 wrote:My mother taught me to hate myself...she use to say all the time "Stop acting like you're cute" or "You ain't too good for an ass whoopin"
She never told me that I was beautiful but she always told my youngest sister that she was cute and beautiful all of the time. So I walked around as a teenager with my head hanging so low that people use to ask me why did I walk looking down at my feet (I never knew that I actually did that until folks would point it out). She made fun of my body as well and while I was in my mid teens she would make fun of my booty calling it flat like my father's or she use to talk about my nose and say that I didn't get that nose from her side of the family...

She use to call me stupid all of the time and always tell me I couldn't think for myself and that she wouldn't pay for me to go to college...okay, let me stop because I'm starting to tear up a bit. Needless to say our relationship now is a non existant one and she has two granddaughters that she has yet to meet.

She eventually kicked me out when I turned 18 and I signed up to join the service (Army), deployed to Iraq, got married, got my degree, and had two beautiful baby girls! God took all of those things that were there to destroy me and made a beautiful outcome!

But yeah, my mother taught me to hate myself but...God showed me how to love myself.

God is truly good!!!! Your situation was turned around for your good (sorry about the way your mother treated you, my cousin was the same way)...and I know you are an amazing mother to your daughters, breaking the cycle!!

LadyMika, Toya, CurlyAcquarius, & TashaFawn!!! You ladies are perfect!! Beautiful made by God for His purpose!!!! Shine on Chicas!!

LadyMika wrote:Honestly? ...I'd have to say family. Nothing about me was never "enough" to them. I wasn't normal (whatever THAT means) "enough". My hair wasn't long "enough". I didn't weigh "enough". I wasn't pretty "enough". I wasn't smart "enough". Not talented "enough". Not BLACK "enough". Not popular "enough". Not religious "enough". And when it came to my father? He doesn't love you "enough". He's not interested "enough". Both of which were true, but hurtful to a child nonetheless.

Imagine all that being pumped into your head from the age of FIVE, and to have it INTENSIFY as you grow older?

But the damage begins when you actually start to BELIEVE the foolishness and the ignorance. To BELIEVE in something, is to give it POWER. The more you give POWER to something, the more it'll either help you or consume you. The brand of negativity I received, I let that consume me for part of my teens, and a fair chunk of my 20s. I was miserable, lonely, depressed and I couldn't stand myself. Had any of you met me prior to 2008, you would NOT have met a happy person...in fact, you would've met an alcoholic who wore a front that everything was rainbows and sunshine. It was anything BUT that, until I shook off the negativity AND the source in late 2008. I've been sober 2 1/2 years, and life has been great ever since.

So while I agree with Brother Malcom entirely regardless of religion, I think an additional question should be asked: "If someone or something in your life perpetrates negativity, WHY DO YOU GIVE THEM OR IT POWER OVER YOU?" Because POWER also equals CONTROL, and if you let negativity CONTROL you, well...you'll fall as hard as I did. Maybe even harder.

I can relate LadyMika; I was called the black sheep of the family because I wasn't black enough. It's funny now because I remember sneaking around listening to music that wasn't "BLACK" and feeling ashamed because my music taste was a wide variety and not just narrowed into the "Rap" category. I wasn't loud like the rest of them and I got laughed at because the claimed I spoke too proper. Then I was the most sensitive and my feelings got hurt a lot and so my mother used that to her advantage.

I was the black sheep as well, (listened to all types of music, learned about "different" things then my classmates..I kept to myself away from family. My first cousin (who I lived with) would talk about my weight- had me on a diet at 14, I would not eat at all at one point so the torment would stop...and even though I made good grades in school (4.1 GPA. took honors classes, and worked 2 jobs in high school it wasn't good enough) When I graduated, I RAN and haven't looked back.
The same one who told me I would be just like my mother, never graduate from college and wonders why I won't come to visit..for WHAT?!?!

NikG20 wrote:I think in the AA community a lot of the self hate comes from slavery. People were told such horrible things about themseleves that I think some of them started to believe it and passed it on (maybe not knowing) generation to generation. It's a vicious cycle.

I have witnessed several AA people make fun of other skin colors or hair types or whatever. Obviously this is not everyone but I have seen this happen far too often. Now, I know they are friends and family, just joking around, but some of the stuff I have heard is so rude and I know deep down inside it hurts.

Now just to share a quick story...

My mother moved here a few months ago and put my 8 year old brother ( he is mexican/caucasian) in school. Now, he went from being in a school with mostly hispanic children to being in a school with mostly AA children. I saw him after his first day of school and asked him how it was. He said it was good, but he was sad because the whole class kept making fun of one boy. I asked why, etc. He said because the boy was really dark. Everyone kept making fun of his skin color and no one would let him sit with them at lunch so he went to sit with him.

Now where do 8 year olds learn things like this? I felt so bad, I wanted to hug the little boy and I didn't know him nor have I ever seen him.

Anyway, thanks for sharing the video...

That is so sad and yet very sweet of your little brother. I want to give him a hug.

tiashauntee wrote:

NikG20 wrote:I think in the AA community a lot of the self hate comes from slavery. People were told such horrible things about themseleves that I think some of them started to believe it and passed it on (maybe not knowing) generation to generation. It's a vicious cycle.

I have witnessed several AA people make fun of other skin colors or hair types or whatever. Obviously this is not everyone but I have seen this happen far too often. Now, I know they are friends and family, just joking around, but some of the stuff I have heard is so rude and I know deep down inside it hurts.

Now just to share a quick story...

My mother moved here a few months ago and put my 8 year old brother ( he is mexican/caucasian) in school. Now, he went from being in a school with mostly hispanic children to being in a school with mostly AA children. I saw him after his first day of school and asked him how it was. He said it was good, but he was sad because the whole class kept making fun of one boy. I asked why, etc. He said because the boy was really dark. Everyone kept making fun of his skin color and no one would let him sit with them at lunch so he went to sit with him.

Now where do 8 year olds learn things like this? I felt so bad, I wanted to hug the little boy and I didn't know him nor have I ever seen him.

Anyway, thanks for sharing the video...

That is so sad and yet very sweet of your little brother. I want to give him a hug.

two hugs for him!!

I can't respond to this at work bcs I will get emotional. I will just say, I can relate to everything written.

@Tashafawn and Tamren: I've been listening to metal, blues, jazz, punk, and 80s hardcore since I was six. There were days when I FEARED for my life because the other kids at school threatened to beat me up for listening to anything other than rap. I couldn't walk down the street without looking over my shoulder at one point. But even as a kid I KNEW it was the "group think"(coined by George Orwell in his book 1984--excellent read!), the fear of anything different and the need to get rid of it. Once I understood what was going on, I just turned the music up a little higher and kept it moving.

LadyMika wrote:@Tashafawn and Tamren: I've been listening to metal, blues, jazz, punk, and 80s hardcore since I was six. There were days when I FEARED for my life because the other kids at school threatened to beat me up for listening to anything other than rap. I couldn't walk down the street without looking over my shoulder at one point. But even as a kid I KNEW it was the "group think"(coined by George Orwell in his book 1984--excellent read!), the fear of anything different and the need to get rid of it. Once I understood what was going on, I just turned the music up a little higher and kept it moving.

I admire you for not being afraid to let people know what you liked. I listened to everything (except country) but no one knew it. My DH actually teases me for come of the old songs that I know from different genres.

tiashauntee wrote:

LadyMika wrote:@Tashafawn and Tamren: I've been listening to metal, blues, jazz, punk, and 80s hardcore since I was six. There were days when I FEARED for my life because the other kids at school threatened to beat me up for listening to anything other than rap. I couldn't walk down the street without looking over my shoulder at one point. But even as a kid I KNEW it was the "group think"(coined by George Orwell in his book 1984--excellent read!), the fear of anything different and the need to get rid of it. Once I understood what was going on, I just turned the music up a little higher and kept it moving.

I admire you for not being afraid to let people know what you liked. I listened to everything (except country) but no one knew it. My DH actually teases me for come of the old songs that I know from different genres.

Then we can definitely hang out! My boyfriend is the KING of everything old! We can have a field day going throug his old records and a WALL of VHS tapes. Yes, VHS tapes.