single and venting...

mokacoffey wrote:Little vent: it seems so many girls around me are getting engaged & married lately. And here I am so very single! Not even remotely close to getting married:-(... I'm happy for them but totally wish it was me. I wanna be married too, darnit! I know God has someone super awesome planned, but where the heck is he?? Lol. Anyway- I'm just trying to stay focused & only have little moments of jealously that pass quickly. Oh well. Yeah. Just wanted to share that.... It's funny cause I know so many ppl who aren't Christians who are always in a relationship. I know they probably aren't healthy ones, but dang. It's hard waiting and waiting in the right mindset too.

its hard out there now and days thats for sure... you know what flips me off the most is how married women say your young you have plenty of time... PA LEASE cause i know they only singing that song cause they married if they were single line me and deal with the foolishness I have to deal with they would be singing the same song I am singing!!
Dont get me wrong I love being single but I would love being married... heck I would settle for a decent date and great conversation that doesnt lead to dude trying to get in my pants!!!

iculukin wrote:

naturally.yours wrote:I have never been in a serious relationship. When I was younger I was not interested in giving one person my undivided attention, but now that I am older it (companionship) is something I long for. The problem I have, and this is part of the reason why I am still single, is that I attract guys (or maybe I am subconsciously attracted to these types of guys) that are more interested in getting something from me than getting to know me. Once they realize that they will not be getting anything from me, it does not take long for them to disappear.

Sometimes I am fearful of growing old alone, and as each year passes I do become more afraid for my future. I do not know; I guess I will try to remain positive about my situation.

OMG these past few months I have been attracting guys that are looking for some fast tail... they start off being smooth talking then once the subject comes up about sex and I say I am not having sex any they find ways to get out of the conversation quick. I had one guy tell me to keep up the good work cause he couldnt do it and that when I was ready to call him...smh... UGH!

I completely feel you on the growing old along thing... I am the last of my friends who are single... which means I have to listen to all the things their men are doing all the dates they are going out on... heck i even babysit their kids.... I think this is torture but I still cant imagine having sex with a man just because of my own insecurities... the best advice I can give and need to take myself is to keep your head up and dont settle for just anyone but the right one! You can do it!!

I've always attracted those types of guys. I used to think (and pray) that as guys got older they grew out of that, but I was wrong.

That guys sounds like a grade A pig. You know what's sad, though? A lot of guys, young and old, have that same mentality. I've had guys, who when they found out I was a virgin, pretending to want to get close to me just so they could sleep with me

Most of the people I associate with are either in or have been in long term relationships. I'm the only one that hasn't and some days I'm cool with it, other days I'm not. I'm with you on that one; I can't see myself sleeping with a guy and "getting it over with" because of societal pressures, or my friend's pressures.

I don't want to settle, but I know that I have to work on my standards. Idris Elba is out of my reach, so I think I have to be more realistic with what I want.

Did you say idris girl I still have the copy of the essence magazine with lance, Boris and Blair ...the best issue of essence Ever...lol but for real I can't lower my standard to much I refuse to compromise my integrity for a relationship.
I remember one of my Deacons say how he feels bad for single women now and days be cause the quality of guys has shifted so bad that if a man just has a job at least then the women will disregard all the other things he doesnt.


Do you guys think that the dating pool is so shallow that we being single women tend to settle for less? Are we lowering the bar for our men?

LOVE that end quote... so much so that I stole it and put it as my facebook status

Stay strong girly... in order to get to any destination you have to go through some traffic. You get there in time.

Girl, yes. Idris is my dream, but unfortunately that's all it is. Two summers ago he was on the cover of Essence. Needless to say I purchased the magazine. I went around to my [male] co-workers telling them that he was the epitome of a man and that I wanted him, lol.

I would love to know the reason for the dating pool being shallow. I know with my generation, the quality is different. But that's a good question.

I think the dating pool is shallow for several reasons. I also fear growing old and still being single. I think being an educated smart black woman makes it even harder because some guys feel intimidated. I've even had a guy at my church (whom I dated before) to tell me that I'm too independent. What? Really? I could never even depend on him for anything! I'm at the point to where I give up!

preciouslady wrote:I think the dating pool is shallow for several reasons. I also fear growing old and still being single. I think being an educated smart black woman makes it even harder because some guys feel intimidated. I've even had a guy at my church (whom I dated before) to tell me that I'm too independent. What? Really? I could never even depend on him for anything! I'm at the point to where I give up!

I cant believe a guy would tell you that your too independent... I have been single single for what seems like forever I can imagine being dependent on anyone let alone some dude! At this point in the game I take care of me I cant help but be independent no one else is gonna pay my bills and put food on my table!

iculukin wrote:

preciouslady wrote:I think the dating pool is shallow for several reasons. I also fear growing old and still being single. I think being an educated smart black woman makes it even harder because some guys feel intimidated. I've even had a guy at my church (whom I dated before) to tell me that I'm too independent. What? Really? I could never even depend on him for anything! I'm at the point to where I give up!

I cant believe a guy would tell you that your too independent... I have been single single for what seems like forever I can imagine being dependent on anyone let alone some dude! At this point in the game I take care of me I cant help but be independent no one else is gonna pay my bills and put food on my table!

I know that's right! I wouldn't dare depend on man! I was taught not to ever depend on a man anyway! I wouldn't have anything if I had to depend on a guy to take care of me. I don't even mind being single anymore besides being lonely sometimes. At least I have my daughter to keep me company & motivated.

iculukin wrote:

mokacoffey wrote:Little vent: it seems so many girls around me are getting engaged & married lately. And here I am so very single! Not even remotely close to getting married:-(... I'm happy for them but totally wish it was me. I wanna be married too, darnit! I know God has someone super awesome planned, but where the heck is he?? Lol. Anyway- I'm just trying to stay focused & only have little moments of jealously that pass quickly. Oh well. Yeah. Just wanted to share that.... It's funny cause I know so many ppl who aren't Christians who are always in a relationship. I know they probably aren't healthy ones, but dang. It's hard waiting and waiting in the right mindset too.

its hard out there now and days thats for sure... you know what flips me off the most is how married women say your young you have plenty of time... PA LEASE cause i know they only singing that song cause they married if they were single line me and deal with the foolishness I have to deal with they would be singing the same song I am singing!!
Dont get me wrong I love being single but I would love being married... heck I would settle for a decent date and great conversation that doesnt lead to dude trying to get in my pants!!!

A lot of my friends are married now too, I'm one of the very few that are still single. Do you know one of the things that drive me up the wall, it's not my married friends trying to set me up because ironically they don't know any eligible proper men to introduce to us (the reaminging single gals). What drives me up the wall is when they are having any marital discord and they say to me "Angela, don't get married, I'm telling you, DON'T get married". Uuuuuugh really, really?! Did you just advice me not to get married? Easy for them to so easily dish out such silly/breezy advice because they are happily married and secure in their relationship and at the end of the day they are going back to their partners. Is it too much to ask that I have the chance to make my own mistakes in a marriage of my own? sigh. Am I being too sensitive? I've never actually voiced my thoughts on this to my friends but I do silently seethe in anger whenever they so casually dish that bit of marital advice...

I feel you on that... just last night one of my married friends told me how being married has its issues... I know they are just trying to encourage me on being single... and like you Angela I want to experience having the issues of being married myself... all of my closest friends (normally my go to people) are married or in a steady relationship and now I get kicked to the curb unless dude makes them mad then I conveniently resurface to listen to them. UGH... I think i am gonna start charging them for my time maybe then they will stop taking me for granted... One thing I can admit to is that its hard juggling your time between friends and the men in your life... when i am in a steady relationship im gonna try my best not to diss my homegirls!!!

@ Iculukin, I was contemplating whether to respond. You are young and there is time; I can say that b/c I'm going to turn 37, single, never been married, no children and not dating (haven't been on a date in so long...) Don't get me wrong, I would like to be married one-day, but at God's appointed time, it will happen.

I've been there and I can say it can be done...some days I wish I had a companion so when I come home I have someone to vent to or just talk for that matter; and especially on those cold days when I wish someone would pick me up in a warm car rather than getting into a cold car and driving myself home (lolo). Most of my friends are married and with children and I've seen that some of them "settled" and their marriages are tougher than it should be and there isn't much they can do...some are living like their single parents and I'm talking about Christian woman.

My advise is that enjoy your time being single; try not to think so much about being with someone (though I know it creeps up every now and again - totally normal), but don't dwell on it; get involved - volunteer, find groups of people that enjoy doing some of the activities you also enjoy; travel etc the list goes on; these are all things that I've done and continue to do until I meet the one that God has destined for me to be with.

Sorry to write so long...but hope it helps a bit.

@africanacurly you are absolutely right I am trying g to keep busy these holidays killed me and like you I Yvette watched my friends settle I don't want to just settle I want what God wills. For me. Its hard when I want it done on my time and not God's time...I'm still learning. Thanks for responding I greatly appreciate your comment and encouragement! May God continue to work in you and through you.

awww hugs @iculukin; May God continue to keep and strengthen you.