non-supportive spouse

I'm so discouraged right now! My husband is not supportive of me transitioning at all. I've been co-washing and wear my hair in twist-outs & braid-outs. I've gotten so many compliments from people around me, but my husband hates how i've been wearing my hair. He doesn't understand why i want to stop relaxing my hair or why i want to wear my hair "messy" (as he calls it). Today while shopping, he saw a natural relaxer and wanted me to use it because it wasn't a chemical relaxer, it was "natural." Although i tried to explain that this was still a relaxer and would still change the curl pattern in my hair. He responded, that he didn't care about my curl pattern, he just wanted my hair straightened. He doesn't understand why i won't flat iron my hair daily either. i don't know how i can keep with the transitioning process if its going to produce problems in my marriage. Despite my attempts to educate him, he's not listening to my logic I feel empowerd by learning to manage and care for my hair, and i know i need to grow a thicker skin if i'm going natural, but he's not on board with me and it hurts. Can anyone offer some advice?

Well I think first he needs to understand the danger of chemicals. If something is bad for you, he shouldn't try and make you inflict damage on yourself, especially since it's not something he has to endure. Flat ironing your hair daily can inflict severe heat damage on your hair. I think you would have to help him appreciate natural hair, and realize that the hair that grows from your scalp isn't straight. If anything, maybe to help with your transition you can use some straight weaves to appease him for the time being, but eventually, he will have to come to accept you and your natural hair.

I'm sure that's tough [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] When I first started transitioning my hubby wasn't for it either. He thought my relaxed hair was gorgeous & that I was crazy for messing with a good thing. My hair has always been long & I didn't experience breakage or anything, I just decided one day I was tired of relaxing my hair & wanted to transition.

I think alot of men just like straight hair. Initially it would hurt my feelings that he wasn't supportive, but I got to the point where I had to say, it's my hair & this is what I want to do. In the past he's let his hair grow out (which I didn't like ) but he never cut it until he was ready, no matter how much I wanted him too. Yes, it's our hair & we should be able to do what we want with it, but I think you also have to keep in mind your hair was a certain way (straight) when he met & married you so sometimes it's an adjustment for the person.

Now it's a non issue for us. Ultimately your hair isn't going to change how much he loves you. Try to not let the comments bother you & when he suggests a relaxer say no thanks.

Good luck!

Sit down with him and watch the "Good Hair" documentary. Maybe seeing how the chemicals disinergrate the paint brush bristels might alter his thinking. Also try pointing out to him when you see other people with natural hairstyles. Good luck.

Thank you Janique, Mrsrenaissance, and Sassy24!! Your comments were most helpful. Janique, i'm not really a weave kind of chick, but i may have to be more open to this, for his sake. Apparently compromise is necessary! Mrsrenaissance, you're right. i think this will take some time for him. i know that he loves me but now i also see now that this transition is difficult for him b/c he's never seen me this way. i guess i just thought he'd adjust as quickly as i have about it. We talked again late last night and he did apologize for being hurtful, so that helped. And Sassy24, i will plan to sit down and watch "Good Hair" with him. After i saw the documentary, a seed was planted and a few months later i started researching about transitioning and how to care for my hair. He wasn't interested in seeing the documentary when i initially saw it, but perhaps he'll be more open to it now, knowing that it provided so much insight for me in making my decision. Ladies, thank you so much for your advice!! I'm sticking with my decision to go natural, i just see i'll have to be patient with this process, my hair and my hubby. lol. Thanks for the support Ladies!!