i messed up.....

I messed up with the father of my child yesterday. we had a family discussion about him helping me out more with our daughter and my family was there and so was his. And for a year now i have been having a hard time having his moral support and getting him to understand i want us to start working as a team. Even thought i know we are both still young, im 22 and hes 21 and we are still living in our parents house i think we should start building a foundation as far as working together as a team when it comes to our child. Meaning how we communicate, supporting each other in different decision making with our lives and childs life and just learning how to be adults. But ive been having a problem with him and his family because he's a Mommas Boy. His whole family treats him like hes still a little kid and yesterday ive been so fed up with not having there support in trying to guide him to be a better man for me and his daughter, i went off on his sister in his mothers house. She wasnt listening to me and i felt it was just one sided because thats her brother. But after i lost my temper i felt so bad for losing it in his moms house and i told her sorry twice and that i didnt mean to. She said its okay and to not worry about it. Im just so upset because i feel like i havent been being heard for so long now and its time for a change. But now im afraid that the father of my child will not forgive me for getting so upset in his moms house. I still love him very much and hope the outcome is a positive one.

Sorry for the long letter but what do u ladies think?

She has forgiven you, so now it is time for you to forgive yourself.

Although you love him very much and share a child together, the only person you can change and control is yourself. His family maybe treating him like he is still a little kid because he is. Eventhough he is 21, he may not be emotionally mature to be the kind of father you think he should be now.

IMO: you should raise your child the best that you can, with the support of your families, and work on you. Besides being a great Mom, what else do you want to accomplish in your life? Do You!
HTH

I agree, i feel iwasnt ready either but we made a decision to have our child together and now that the babys here i feel i dont know who he is anymore. So after our family discussion everything is falling on me and he is in denial that he does not really help physically. Even my mom told him he comes over and dont help. So im trying to create a plan because at first i was gonna sit down and me and him get together and discuss a staple plan where it can be balanced so that he can help me out more with our child. But hes being way to immature right now and acting like this is a war against his family and minds and its not. So i dont know what my decision is gonna be, my mom and i tryed so many times to talk with his family but nothings working. So we thinking about just walking away from them and taking the baby with us.

What do u think?

As I said before, you can not control or change another person. Let Go and Let God.

He may change as he matures or he may not. Keep the door open for him and his family to be invlovled in the child's life, because this child is also a part of their lives and vice versa.

Focus on achieving your life goals so that you can feel good about yourself and be a role model for your child.

DO YOU!

ok i got u,its gonna be hard now because im gonna have to take care of our daughter by myself ad far as doing the phyiscal work and just always being there to spend time with her. I wanted to set a plan where he can help out as well but i dont know if hes gonna take the time out to listen. So should i still talk to him about at least getting his help so i can get a break sometimes from our daughter, or should i just leave it alone and wait for him to come around?

When a person shows you who they are, believe them.

He knows that he has a daughter with you and therefore he has responsibilities as a father. Keep the door open, but the only talking you need to do is to the legal authorities to make sure you get child support.

I don't want to be harsh or old fashion, but when you decided to have a baby with this man, without him committing to you in marriage first, that should have been a red flag that there would be issues with responsibility. Marriage is no guarantee, but it is an indication of commitment.

Yes. you will have to take care of your daughter alone for now, and you should thank God for any help that your Mother is able to give you.

Instead of trying to control him and his family, control yourself. Make a list of goals, including education and careers, that you want to achieve and a plan for achieving them. DO YOU!

But he provides, providing isnt the issue so i dont want to have to take him to court, we both in college, i need his help with traveling with our daughter and babysitting her. he buys clothes , diapers , etc he just doesnt help me in other ways tht i need. All i want is a break sometimes and we r having a hard time getting a staple plan in set. idk I guess im just gonna start letting go and put it in Gods hands. Im just tryna start off fresh for me and let go of all the pain and even forgive him for his wrongs and also forgive myself for my mistakes. I dont kow if hes ready to apologize but i am because its just not worth anymore of this drama.
My mom said sometimes when a man sees how mature u start acting and stop arguing with them he will follow and if he dont all he will have is his self to blame at the end. Its upseting that as a female we always have to be the one to be the bigger person but i guess its a learning experience for me growing into a young woman.

Your Mom is very wise. Good Luck!

i'm not trying to tell u what to do, but girl, sometimes u just gotta let it go. u say you've stated ur opinion or what not for the longest and nobody seems to care, so you have to do what u gotta do. if ur babysfather wanna keep being a momma's boy, then let him be a momma's boy. u don't have to deal w/ anything u don't want to deal with. don't be the kind of person that sits back down the line saying shoulda, coulda, woulda, when u had a chance and didn't take it. sometimes situations are stressful, but nobody can't do anything to u unless u allow them and u should always speak up b/c people know what they be doing and if somebody was to treat them how they treating u, i know for sure they probably wouldn't bite their tongue. just do u and take care of ur daughter...eventually he will come around if he really care about u and if he don't move on.

Thx ladies for thee advice. I agree with both ya ladies. His family they just have different morals then my family. There morals is that there mom comes first and they suppose to take care of there mother and if she has rules in her house they must be followed or they will be being disrespectful. And i understand tht but my family morals is that if u have a baby, thats when its time to grow up and the parents or family should start encouraging the child to start growing up.
His mom i could come over to have a serious conversation with her and she would see how stressed out i am and that i need more help and she still sits there and calls her son.... "ohhhhmy babyyyyy, thts my babyyyy" . lol im like woman are u serious? She doesnt want to let him go. And hes to much o a mommas boy to see what she is doing. But yea im not gonna put up with his family or him anymore. She even trys to pick out the babies clothes, and he lets her. Im like thats my place, he should come to me like "Baby i have money to get our daughter some clothes so lets pic them out together? He acts like his mom is his woman. But anywayz i cant even discuss this anymore because it makes me so upset and im just tryna let go right now.

I'm sorry to hear about your family situation. Like the two other ladies told you, you can't make your boyfriend change or his family change. He has to want to do it himself. I totally understand what you are saying about your boyfriends relationship with his mother.
I got married young, and my husband had that same relationship with his mom (I couldn't understand it). If she said jump he would jump, and in the beginning I thought that she was really trying to break us up on the DL. I used to get so mad, and try to explain it to him, why he should discuss our family matters with ME his wife and not his mother. Why after years together when I'm the one taking care of him (he was in the military, and went to Iraq twice) and sending him packages, that I should be listed as his next of kin and not his mother (really stupid stuff). We didn't have any children so we didn't have that complication. But I had to put my foot down, and say enough is enough, either grow up or I'm walking away. And he grew up! He told his mother to stop meddling, began putting our family first and things got better.
But he wanted to change, it was something that he did to keep us together. So like everyone said, he'll either come around or he won't on his own. You can't make him do anything. But I really empathize with you because I've been there, and it wasn't pretty. Good luck to you and your little one, your baby is going to need you to be strong so focus on you and your child and let the rest be.

@Kinkncurls.... thx hun yes its not pretty at all lol. But my mom and my father called his mother and planned for us to have another family meeting to discuss a plan about him helping physically with our daughter so i can have my breaks sometimes. Im not to sure if i want to go because i dont know what the outcome is gonna be or if hes gonna be mature enuff to even try to come up with a solution that will work for both of us. And if he still gives me a hard time and show me hes not putting me and his child first im going to be hurt once again. So i dont really want to talk with him and his mom anymore... im just so done. Even my own grandmother is disgusted by my boyfriends mom and his family. My grandmother feels his mom is doing the things shes doing on purpose because she knows she has control over him and shes tryna take advantage of that for as long as she could. Taking in consdieration that since the baby was born we havent had no time together and when we finally did, she calls him while we on thee other side of Queens just to come back home to go pick her up some McDonalds thats just 2 blocks away from her house. Shes being selfish and im disgusted with her to.