Really, why are there so many dead beat dads?

There are so many single parent homes that consist of the mother and her child/children. I am one of them. I just don't get it. Most mother's will do whatever it takes in order to take care of her responsibility. Dads on the other hand... I'm not saying that all dads are deadbeats but there sure are a lot of them. I notice every mother's day, people go out of their way to make sure they sow thier appreciation to thier mom. The restaurants are always running over, people go out of the way to get gifts, etc. On father's day, it's not nearly as busy. I think it somewhat relates to dads not being a part of their child's life. But why? Tell me your thoughts

I think it's complicated. Fortunately, I grew up in a two parent household. I'm an anomaly among most of my friends, and I'm thankful each day. Growing up with both of my parents was great, but nowhere near perfect, married people have issues too. I saw both of them compromise a lot for the sake of the family. Now, I wasn't raised in a single parent home so I don't have direct expericence but I think some of the deadbeat dads exist because it's easier for them to be that way. Sadly, some men would rather be completely absent rather than take on the responsibility and sacrifice. After observing my friends that had deadbeat dads, I saw the disappointment and resentment they had towards them. Most of my friends weren't afraid to tell their father that he was a deadbeat either. If I were a man and my child told me I was deadbeat, it would crush me, but it would push me to work even harder.

I also think that some men just don't know how to be dads. Just like some women don't know how to be mothers. Some get lucky and have a natural knack and others need help. If living with my dad has taught me anything, men don't like asking for help. If they felt it was socially acceptable for a man to ask for parenting help, maybe things would be different.

Wouldn't it be nice if all dad were like this?

Yeah I like that commercial. Men should step up without having to be made to do so. I'm the youngest of three other siblings. I was also fortunate enough to grow up in a two-parent home. But my dad wasn't really a father to me. He didn't teach me the things a father should teach his daughter. He was just there. He didn't even speak to me for at least 3 years after I had my daughter. The bad part about it is that we stayed in the same house (that's another story for a different day) ! My mom pretty much raised us!

As I watch my daughter grow up now, her father is pretty much non-existing in her life. He only sees her maybe 2 or 3 times out of the year. She's 7. She would rather see a stranger and talk to them than to have to see her dad. It really is sad because I have tried to get him to spend more time with her. I gave up on that because I realize that no matter what, he's not going to do it unless he decides to make a difference. Some dads just don't want to take care of their responsibility and be that male figure that every child needs in his/her life.

I grew up in a single parent home as well with myself, my mother and my siblings.I dont understand why men choose to be absent from their child's lives. It does affect a young child's life without his/her mother or father no matter what anyone says. I just hope that some men grow up and take responsiblity.

WoW! This convo is deep. Let's see if I can list a couple based on things I've heard:

1. When a man and woman break up, more than likely the woman will want child support. When my mom and dad broke up his child support was so high he wound up living in his car. Of course my mom used this to get his visitation revoked which in turn totally destroyed him. My guess is men know this and would rather get ghost than turn their destiny over to the court. For the majority of my life my mom played like my dad was a deadbeat when the truth of the matter was she was on some get back stuff.

2. The court has been the downfall of many a family. When a woman gets married, she gains financial stability, love, a car perhaps and someone to kill spiders:) A man stands nothing to gain by getting married if you think about it. He knows that if the marriage goes downhill the courts will be in favor of the woman. She'll get the money, the house, the car, and the kids. He'll get the lawyers fees. This is yet another reason so many men (especially Black men) don't marry. It's like a death wish. Not being married, however, makes it much easier to ** pack your Safeway bags and leave**.

I've seen the PSA and I like it, BUT, listening to the other side of the fence (I have 5 uncles, 2 brothers and 3 b-i-l's and all their friends, it's not that easy for a man. There are tons of deadbeat dads but more often than not, from what I hear a lot of men get out of dodge not because they don't love their kids, but because the courts and vindictive baby mothers/ex wives just won't allow them to move on if things don't work out with the her.

Wow. Deep topic. I don't even know WHERE to begin without flying off into a rant. And to be frank, I've got resentments for BOTH my parents that I simply CANNOT get into because of the emotions that get evoked.

So I'll just stop here, and say YES, I am one of those who grew up in a single parent home, WITHOUT my biological father. And yes, it STILL affects me to this day.

That is all.

Napp_Napp_Cat wrote:I grew up in a single parent home as well with myself, my mother and my siblings.I dont understand why men choose to be absent from their child's lives. It does affect a young child's life without his/her mother or father no matter what anyone says. I just hope that some men grow up and take responsiblity.

I agree. Men do need to step up because they had a part in the baby making process as well!

goombagirl wrote:WoW! This convo is deep. Let's see if I can list a couple based on things I've heard:

1. When a man and woman break up, more than likely the woman will want child support. When my mom and dad broke up his child support was so high he wound up living in his car. Of course my mom used this to get his visitation revoked which in turn totally destroyed him. My guess is men know this and would rather get ghost than turn their destiny over to the court. For the majority of my life my mom played like my dad was a deadbeat when the truth of the matter was she was on some get back stuff.

2. The court has been the downfall of many a family. When a woman gets married, she gains financial stability, love, a car perhaps and someone to kill spiders:) A man stands nothing to gain by getting married if you think about it. He knows that if the marriage goes downhill the courts will be in favor of the woman. She'll get the money, the house, the car, and the kids. He'll get the lawyers fees. This is yet another reason so many men (especially Black men) don't marry. It's like a death wish. Not being married, however, makes it much easier to ** pack your Safeway bags and leave**.

I've seen the PSA and I like it, BUT, listening to the other side of the fence (I have 5 uncles, 2 brothers and 3 b-i-l's and all their friends, it's not that easy for a man. There are tons of deadbeat dads but more often than not, from what I hear a lot of men get out of dodge not because they don't love their kids, but because the courts and vindictive baby mothers/ex wives just won't allow them to move on if things don't work out with the her.

I can say from experience that the court system is kinda screwed. And yes most of the time the judge does favor the woman. There are a lot of women who sue and try to keep the dad away from the child just to get back at the daddy, which is very wrong. But I do feel that the father is financially responsible as well. In my case, before I even thought about going to court, I tried everything to get my child's father to not only help out financially but to also be a part of her life. He stays in another state. From the time she was a baby, we would travel to go see him and stay at his mother's house. I knew he was going to be a dead beat because he wouldn't even spend time with her then! So after years of trying, I gave up and let the judge make the final decisions.

I wasn't after his money but I did need help, not only financially but with raising my child as well. That saying "It takes a village to raise a child" is true! Her father asked for visitation, which he was granted. The sad thing about it is that he doesn't even try to see her. The only reason he asked for visitation is because he thought it was gonna make me mad, which I had no problem with from the start. I know men don't have it easy, but for the most part, they make it hard for themselves.

@ Lady M, I feel ya! It took me a long time to try and forgive my dad for the way he disowned me when he found out I was pregnant. He was upset because I wasn't married and I guess he was disappointed. The way he treated me really hurt me because we went so many years without even speaking to each other. It was very emotional for me for several reasons and the fact that he has never played a major role in my life led to resentment. Sometimes I still feel like a fatherless child eventhough my dad has always been around. It's a heavy weight to carry and I wonder what my life would be like if he would've done more or been more loving.

Interesting topic. I grew up in a single parent household. Never really understood or will understand how a man can sleep at night and not know if his kids are okay, safe, hungry, properly cared for, etc. How selfish and incompassionate? I DO NOT CARE what type of relationship his has with the mother. Educate yourself and get the courts to work for you, jsut like women do. Man the f*&^ up! Seriously. It's your kid and your legacy. How could you just walk away?

And sometimes the intersting thing is these dudes will go and be with a woman who has kids. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

My dad has been dad almost 15 years. Very sad state of affairs. I was very angry and annoyed when he was dying because he and his family kept pressing me and my sister to come around. Were you pressing him to take care of us all those years? Hell no. But now he's dying and he is supposed to get a pass and we're supposed to just forgive. My mom helped me see why it was important to do see him and I did. Best thing I ever did, for me. No unanswered questions or regrets. These men need to remember that one day they'll have to answer for their behavior and/or will need somebody to care for them and their kids may/may not want to since they didn't do the same for the kids.

goombagirl wrote:

2. The court has been the downfall of many a family. When a woman gets married, she gains financial stability, love, a car perhaps and someone to kill spiders:) A man stands nothing to gain by getting married if you think about it. He knows that if the marriage goes downhill the courts will be in favor of the woman. She'll get the money, the house, the car, and the kids. He'll get the lawyers fees. This is yet another reason so many men (especially Black men) don't marry. It's like a death wish. Not being married, however, makes it much easier to ** pack your Safeway bags and leave**.

I completely dissagre. I was raised in a single family home as well but I still believe that marriage is a sacred union between two people that, when based on the right things, can last a lifetime. Both partners in a marriage must sacrifice for the marriage for the relationship to be successful. I know men generally fall in love after a woman does but who's to say that they don't fall as hard? Court systems are screwed up but that doesn't justify the actions of a man who doesn't have the courage to stick it out and make it work.

I think most of the times the man walks out because of issues with the mother. Still, it isn't fair to the kids if he completely leaves their lives too. I loved the time I spent with my dad and I couldn't imagine how my life would be if I didn't know him.

Another thing, women aren't always depending on their man for financial stability. I know plenty of independent females that can hold their own just fine.

Well one thing I can say is that you can't make a dad be a father to his child. There's only so much that the courts can enforce but in the end, it's up to the dad to determine whether or not he is going to be a part of his child's life. Some men would rather go to jail than to pay child support or "man up." With that said, I just do what I gotta do and I just pray that one day my daughter will have a good father figure in her life because she (as well as any other child) derserves it.

DvaAuNaturel wrote:Interesting topic. I grew up in a single parent household. Never really understood or will understand how a man can sleep at night and not know if his kids are okay, safe, hungry, properly cared for, etc. How selfish and incompassionate? I DO NOT CARE what type of relationship his has with the mother. Educate yourself and get the courts to work for you, jsut like women do. Man the f*&^ up! Seriously. It's your kid and your legacy. How could you just walk away?

And sometimes the intersting thing is these dudes will go and be with a woman who has kids. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

My dad has been dad almost 15 years. Very sad state of affairs. I was very angry and annoyed when he was dying because he and his family kept pressing me and my sister to come around. Were you pressing him to take care of us all those years? Hell no. But now he's dying and he is supposed to get a pass and we're supposed to just forgive. My mom helped me see why it was important to do see him and I did. Best thing I ever did, for me. No unanswered questions or regrets. These men need to remember that one day they'll have to answer for their behavior and/or will need somebody to care for them and their kids may/may not want to since they didn't do the same for the kids.

I don't see how men sleep at night either without knowing about his child or children. For one thing, it's just selfish! And any man should be able to get past the relationship with the mother simply because it's not about the mother anymore, it's about the innocent child! I really don't understand how a man can be with another woman who has kids and helps her to care for them but he doesn't even care enough to take care of his own! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

On the other hand, I'm glad you were able to reconcile with your dad and have closure.

I don't know.. I grew up without my bio-dad and had 2 stepdads growing up (who I didn't pay much attention to), and I feel growing up without much fatherly intervention didn't affect me in a negative way. For me I would have been much worse off if I had been raised with my real dad, and I'm thankful my mother protected me from that man. I did wind up meeting my real dad about 6 yrs ago, and although I was glad to satisfy my curiosity about what he looked like, I still had no desire for a relationship with him. There's no point now.. we're just two adult strangers who happen to be father and daughter by biology only- we have no other bond.

And while I think it's a good thing of course to grow up with both parents as the ideal, I don't think you will miss what you never had. I never felt like I was "lacking" in love or care just because my real dad wasn't there.

I think growing up without a dad made me more independent and not having the idea that "a man must provide for me". I grew up thinking "I have to provide for me" because sometimes there might not be anyone else but me to take care of me.

BekkaPoo wrote:I don't know.. I grew up without my bio-dad and had 2 stepdads growing up (who I didn't pay much attention to), and I feel growing up without much fatherly intervention didn't affect me in a negative way. For me I would have been much worse off if I had been raised with my real dad, and I'm thankful my mother protected me from that man. I did wind up meeting my real dad about 6 yrs ago, and although I was glad to satisfy my curiosity about what he looked like, I still had no desire for a relationship with him. There's no point now.. we're just two adult strangers who happen to be father and daughter by biology only- we have no other bond.

And while I think it's a good thing of course to grow up with both parents as the ideal, I don't think you will miss what you never had. I never felt like I was "lacking" in love or care just because my real dad wasn't there.

I think growing up without a dad made me more independent and not having the idea that "a man must provide for me". I grew up thinking "I have to provide for me" because sometimes there might not be anyone else but me to take care of me.

@BekkaPoo this is off topic but since we grew up under similar circumstances do you think this contributes to the "independent woman" syndrome? One of the big issues I have in my marriage is that my husband says that I don't really need for anything.

krissyc39 wrote:

goombagirl wrote:

2. The court has been the downfall of many a family. When a woman gets married, she gains financial stability, love, a car perhaps and someone to kill spiders:) A man stands nothing to gain by getting married if you think about it. He knows that if the marriage goes downhill the courts will be in favor of the woman. She'll get the money, the house, the car, and the kids. He'll get the lawyers fees. This is yet another reason so many men (especially Black men) don't marry. It's like a death wish. Not being married, however, makes it much easier to ** pack your Safeway bags and leave**.

I completely dissagre. I was raised in a single family home as well but I still believe that marriage is a sacred union between two people that, when based on the right things, can last a lifetime. Both partners in a marriage must sacrifice for the marriage for the relationship to be successful. I know men generally fall in love after a woman does but who's to say that they don't fall as hard? Court systems are screwed up but that doesn't justify the actions of a man who doesn't have the courage to stick it out and make it work.

I think most of the times the man walks out because of issues with the mother. Still, it isn't fair to the kids if he completely leaves their lives too. I loved the time I spent with my dad and I couldn't imagine how my life would be if I didn't know him.

Another thing, women aren't always depending on their man for financial stability. I know plenty of independent females that can hold their own just fine.

I understand that marriage is a sacred union and I'm not disagreeing with that, but, the fact remains that marriages go wrong for a variety of reasons and relationships are VERY complicated. You throw in a couple of kids, a mortgage and societal norms that expect a man to bear the weight of the world on his shoulders till the day he dies with no break and thats a lot to expect from one person.

About the part that you highlighted-again, society expects that a man should be a provider. And typically, it is a woman that bears the brunt of the domestic duties. This is true even of a woman that works. What no one can quantify, however, is what the true salary is of the person who kisses boo boos, fixes dinner, washes laundry, is a psychiatrist, etc., etc is. This is a part of what makes divorce so hard. A lot of men see no value in it therefore they place no value on it. Since he can put a dollar amount on what he does he thinks she pops bon bons all day and there you go- he doesn't wanna pay since he feels like he's been paying since day one. I'm not justifying it, I'm just playing devil's advocate.

I understand a man walking out on the kids isn't fair, but as you grow older you'll realize that the old cliche is true, life's a B and then you die.

Finally, I know that women aren't always depending on their man for financial stability, women are bred to be strong. I've been in the marriage game almost 13 years and have earned a degree and have a career during that time but lets face it, Kelis really doesn't need $55 stacks a month, and if I get divorced 9 times out of 10 I'll get the kids and the house to put them in. My husband is all to well aware of this fact. And having a kid or two in order to be set for life ain't new, next to prostitution it's the oldest profession in the book. If it weren't lucrative, Tiger wouldn't have had so many mistresses.

goombagirl wrote:

BekkaPoo wrote:I don't know.. I grew up without my bio-dad and had 2 stepdads growing up (who I didn't pay much attention to), and I feel growing up without much fatherly intervention didn't affect me in a negative way. For me I would have been much worse off if I had been raised with my real dad, and I'm thankful my mother protected me from that man. I did wind up meeting my real dad about 6 yrs ago, and although I was glad to satisfy my curiosity about what he looked like, I still had no desire for a relationship with him. There's no point now.. we're just two adult strangers who happen to be father and daughter by biology only- we have no other bond.

And while I think it's a good thing of course to grow up with both parents as the ideal, I don't think you will miss what you never had. I never felt like I was "lacking" in love or care just because my real dad wasn't there.

I think growing up without a dad made me more independent and not having the idea that "a man must provide for me". I grew up thinking "I have to provide for me" because sometimes there might not be anyone else but me to take care of me.

@BekkaPoo this is off topic but since we grew up under similar circumstances do you think this contributes to the "independent woman" syndrome? One of the big issues I have in my marriage is that my husband says that I don't really need for anything.

Is it a "syndrome"? I think of it this way.. women (warning: generalizations to follow) can take care of themselves and others because of the way we're socialized. Maybe things would be different if men were raised to be as independent as women (i.e. being able to cook/clean/balance the check book AND still go to work, school, raise children, etc.)

Being an independent woman is a blessing. I think most women could live totally independent of men if they wanted to. But of course, having a partner in life is a blessing so there's nothing wrong with having one, and leaning on them from time to time. I don't think that women receive the credit/praise/honor they deserve for basically holding things together in family, society, etc. Maybe some men will feel like they're un-neccessary to their women, because we have this ability to multi-task, but they shouldn't feel like they aren't valued or needed by us.

[quote="goombagirl"]

BekkaPoo wrote:I don't know.. I grew up without my bio-dad and had 2 stepdads growing up (who I didn't pay much attention to), and I feel growing up without much fatherly intervention didn't affect me in a negative way. For me I would have been much worse off if I had been raised with my real dad, and I'm thankful my mother protected me from that man. I did wind up meeting my real dad about 6 yrs ago, and although I was glad to satisfy my curiosity about what he looked like, I still had no desire for a relationship with him. There's no point now.. we're just two adult strangers who happen to be father and daughter by biology only- we have no other bond.

And while I think it's a good thing of course to grow up with both parents as the ideal, I don't think you will miss what you never had. I never felt like I was "lacking" in love or care just because my real dad wasn't there.

I think growing up without a dad made me more independent and not having the idea that "a man must provide for me". I grew up thinking "I have to provide for me" because sometimes there might not be anyone else but me to take care of me.

@BekkaPoo this is off topic but since we grew up under similar circumstances do you think this contributes to the "independent woman" syndrome? One of the big issues I have in my marriage is that my husband says that I don't really need for anything.[/quote]

It's interesting you said this. I gew up in a two parent household. My dad was raised in the traditional way- mom stayed home and dad worked. My mother, was raised by my grandmother and from what I know there was no step-dad around. A couple of times my dad would make jokes about my mom and her "independent women" issues. He said she just doesn't understand what it means to to grow up in a two parent home. I think he meant that she didn't know how to let others take care of her. She had to learn to take care of herself at a young age, there was no one there except her mother. In my opinion the phrase independent woman has a negative connotation. Wouldn't it be better to say self-reliant? She's quick with the tounge and even quicker to let you know when you haven't done your part. My dad cancomplain all he wants but he raised my sister and I to be independent self-reliant, just like her (go figure). If we ever called him saying "I don't know how to to change a light bulb or check the fluid levels in our cars" he would throw a fit.

Now, my parent's relationship is far from perfect but I have nothing else to compare it to. For that reason I've always believed that I would want to raise kids with two parents. Seeing two people work togther (most of the time) even if they don't always agree it's pretty much all I know. Personally, I wouldn't choose to be a single parent, it just looks difficult. However, I'm smart enough to know staying together "just for the sake of the kids" is a bad idea. For that reason, I give credit to all the single moms. The dead beat dads will reap what they sow. Since they sowed nothing, they're going to get nothing.