Dating and Standards

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Dating and Standards

Post by Ambitious_Tiff on 4th March 2011, 1:46 pm

As of late, everyone has been trying to hook me up with someone. Being the person that I am, I like to know certain things before I consent to someone getting my number or meeting them. One of my good friends insists that my stardards are just impossible. I feel they aren't. Here's an example of our last convo.

Her: You want to be alone, with your criteria you'll never meet anyone. Case and point, you're excluding a lot of guys just b/c they have kids.

Me: I don't have kids and I would PREFER the person I'm dating not to have any either. But I might make exceptions depending on what else he has going.

Her: But you see how that's worked out for you in the past...

Me: All of them except ONE had kids!!

Her: Ok but there's different circumstances. He might have had one while he was young and another from a long term relationship. Having children doesn't change who you are as a person. You should be more concerned with whether they are taking care of them or not.

Me: Look at what you said though: long term relationship, not marriage. I don't want my family to start that way... If he is taking care of them and we get married, that means I have to take care of them in addition to the children I want. Besides, I want to have my husband's first child. I want what my parents had...

Her: Yeah, you gon be lonely, lol! No one lives like that anymore.

We have this convo all the time. I am not against dating people with children just b/c they have them. Its difficult to find someone who doesn't. However, I do think that a man with kids by a lot of different women or a lot of children period is not what I am looking for. That's not a dynamic that I feel I can handle. I admit it. I'm kinda selfish in that regard. I am used to being able to jump up and just go where I wanna go and do what I wanna do. You can't do that with kids. I could understand one maybe even two children depending on the situation but that's not ideal for me. I don't want to end up feeling weighed down. My perfect man has no children, he's God fearing, driven, and funny. Is that too much to ask? What do y'all think? How do you know when your standards are too high? How do you stick to your guns if you really feel they aren't?
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Re: Dating and Standards

Post by jlowman1 on 4th March 2011, 2:46 pm

Heyyy Tiff! I'm in Montgomery as well...

...but I'm on the same page with you. My last boyfriend was in high school 4 years ago. I've had lots of friends since then but nothing I would call boyfriend material. I don't want to date anyone with kids either and I don't think that is too much to ask for. I've seen plenty of situations with my friends who date guys with children and it always end the same way; baby mama drama.

I want the same qualities you have mentioned in someone and I really don't wanna settle for anything less. I feel as though I shouldn't have to and if that takes me being single for 4 more years, that's just what it'll be...
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Re: Dating and Standards

Post by blackice82 on 4th March 2011, 2:56 pm

I don't think your standards are high, it's not like everyone has children, I don't. If you're looking for a relationship make sure it with someone that you have a common interests and has similar goals as you. Not every guys in their 20s has children but if they do I would want to know how much that child is in his life. If I don't see a baby seat or pictures in his home, that's red flag.

BTW Try going out not necessarily clubs, but lounges, happy hour, or join a club like dogeball or something. Lastly, you're 24 you're still young trust me you'll meet someone when you least expect
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Re: Dating and Standards

Post by therese on 4th March 2011, 3:09 pm

Don't compromise your standards and what you want. Relationships are hard enough just between 2 people. I'm not saying someone with kids is bad, just don't compromise your wants.

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Re: Dating and Standards

Post by Atasteofcaramel on 4th March 2011, 4:27 pm

Tiff I UNDERSTAND your pain! I would love to be in a realtionship with some one who DOES NOT have children..... But I have to realize that I am 26 almost 27 and there are alot of men who have children. There was a point in time where I wouls just write them off for having a kid then I realized how many men I was cutting out. Even with the men who have chilren who I chose to talk to I still have standards and ask several questions to see if we can evern move forward. Im not saying you should change your standards but it is something to think about.
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Re: Dating and Standards

Post by Niqui36 on 4th March 2011, 5:22 pm

I see nothing wrong with your standards. I had (and still have) similar standards, even though I now have 2 chirrens by someone I THOUGHT I would be married to by now. Stick to your guns! No need in wasting precious time that you don't get back!
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Re: Dating and Standards

Post by jada07 on 4th March 2011, 5:51 pm

I see nothing wrong with your standards depending on how old you are. If you are in your 20s then no, absolutely no reason to settle. Once you reach your 30s it just depends. However, I do not think you have to lower your standards to find anybody. What you are looking for is out there just be patient.
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Re: Dating and Standards

Post by TiffNotANY on 4th March 2011, 6:35 pm

There is nothing wrong with your standards. Kids can be a deal breaker for any relationship. I personally wouldn't want to date a guy with kids, because like you said, I want to have my husband's first child. There's nothing wrong with that lol. Stick to what you want and God will send him to you.
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Re: Dating and Standards

Post by cheller__ on 4th March 2011, 6:52 pm

I don't believe your standards are too high. I personally don't date guys with children. Never settle. There are billions of men in the world, which means billions of choices. Smile
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Re: Dating and Standards

Post by aprilj90 on 4th March 2011, 9:01 pm

I agree with you Tiff! Why in the world should you have to settle just because these men out here decided they wanted to have children? I don't think its selfish at all. What would be selfish is you getting into a relationship with someone who has kids and then end up mistreating them because of it. You know what you want, stick with it.
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Re: Dating and Standards

Post by creolebeauty1 on 5th March 2011, 2:12 am

not too high at all i dont have kids and have yet to date a man that has them , finding an ideal mate is difficult if you are planning for the rest of your life sp take your time play the field and grow become what you are seeking and it will materialize when i started improving me i started meeting men closer to my interests and such if all else fail we will throw single afro hair girl parties and have ice cream every year lol jk
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Re: Dating and Standards

Post by dajewel on 5th March 2011, 9:13 pm

i feel the same way, tiff. i don't purposely date men with kids. it is not about setting high standards (because they would mean inherently having kids from a previous relationship other than marriage is below standards...kids don't lower a person's stock), but it is about your preferences. u are only being realistic, especially financially being realistic. people need to understand that having children is a permanent financial obligation. and let's be real, when one is broke we can't purchase formula with a check made out in a denomination of love.

i would date a man who have kids, IF he makes a huge income enough to comfortably provide for his children AND fairly contribute to our household necessities and luxuries....so that means FOR ME the man should be a doctor, lawyer, engineer, successful ceo, upper management (case in point: a good friend of mine was dating a great black man who was 35, had a child and was vp of regional something something at chase bank...he brings in six figures...my friend felt comfortable in dating him because he knew he was more than comfortably taking care of his daughter and no she is not a gold digger. ...so let this be an example to you of what is available out . there).

you are doing right by not listening to your friend. you are too young to have to settle in your preferences.
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Re: Dating and Standards

Post by Sebastain13 on 6th March 2011, 6:45 pm

As long as your standards are not as HIGH as Chili from the VH1 show What Chili wants I see nothing wrong with what you are requesting in a man
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Re: Dating and Standards

Post by Nali1987 on 6th March 2011, 7:54 pm

Oh yes. We're in the same boat, so I might be a little biased when I say, your standard are NOT high at all. Smile
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Re: Dating and Standards

Post by Ambitious_Tiff on 7th March 2011, 3:19 am

Thanks for your feedback everyone! Glad to know I'm really not asking too much. I might have understood better if I said he has to be rich, an adonis, smart, childless, funny, Godly, have an accent, and a bunch of other ridiculous stuff.

@Jlowman
OMG!! Another Montgomery natural!! Its crazy how similar the boats we are in with these men are. *smh*

@Blackice82
I will definitely try that. I need to get out more anyway.

@ Aprilj90
I agree. Resentment due to children = not okay.

@ DaJewel
I certainly agree on us having to be comfortable. I don't want to have to struggle b/c my hubby has to pay child support. Rolling Eyes

@ Sebastain13
What does Chilli want? I've never seen the show.
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Re: Dating and Standards

Post by MelMelBee on 7th March 2011, 6:26 am

Hey Tiff!

I certainly understand your position, which is why I don't date!!!! Shocking I know, but I gave it up. I was sick of feeling like I was "shopping" for someone. I prayed and asked God to send me the person that He has chosen for me (that was the hardest prayer I've ever prayed), but it saves me so much time and drama, and the dreaded question "Is this the one?". I truly believe that when you surrender the situation to God and trust that He will send the perfect person, you can be confident that with children or not, the man you meet will be the one that God has chosen for you. I'd rather have to wait it out to get the right person, than to choose on my own and end up all messed up (from experience, my own judgement is VERY faulty...LOL)

If you ladies have time, please go check out this link: Single and Saved. This will give some insight on why I gave up dating. Share your thoughts!!!

I am certain that if you trust God about it, you'll receive the desires of your heart!

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Re: Dating and Standards

Post by prodigy on 7th March 2011, 4:57 pm

Hey MelMel! I totally agree with your perspective. Speaking from a Christian perspective, it's important to allow God to select your mate. After all, the man is supposed to be the one that "finds a good thing" hehe, and God will, at the same time, guide the right man that he has designated for you into your path, one way or another.

I don't necessarily subscribe to the belief that the man has to make a six figure income in order to ensure that he can comfortably provide for his family prior to a relationship. Ultimately, money and materials come and go, and most of the time, they are going quicker than they come lol. It's about character above ALL else. If his character is on point, it manifests itself in every other aspect of his life. For me, character starts with a deep, reverent fear of God, and impacts every aspect of his personality, actions and habits. Besides, God is always faithful, so once you've prayed, you know he's God sent, and his character is tried and tested, God will provide the income, resources etc. Just my two cents :-)

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Re: Dating and Standards

Post by shortnsweet on 7th March 2011, 5:10 pm

im a young woman (26) and i have a five year old. and let me first start off by saying this is just my personal opinion and you are entitled to how you feel and there is nothing wrong with having your standards. but i just wanted to give you a scenario..something to think about. take it as you wish...

im dating a guy who doesnt have kids. and when we first met i asked how did he feel about dating a woman with kids. he said when his stepfather met his mom he was 2 at the time. and he went on and on about how his father stepped up and raised him like he was his own. and he respects him so much for that. then he went on to say how can i judge a woman because she has a child when someone else stepped in and took care of me? and that meant a lot to me because whether you are male or female with kids doesn't make you any less of a person. like i said this is just my opinion and im not going against what you or any of the other ladies are saying. it does take a lot to be in a relationship with someone who has a child. because there potentially could be some drama. so first look at the person as a whole. if they are a good parent and there is no drama and this person makes you happy go for it. you just never know....its a sticky situation. but im truly greatful for this man and the fact that he could look past what happend before him and play such a positive role in my life as well as my daughters life Smile

best of luck to you!!!
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Re: Dating and Standards

Post by shortnsweet on 7th March 2011, 5:14 pm

MelMelBee wrote:Hey Tiff!

I certainly understand your position, which is why I don't date!!!! Shocking I know, but I gave it up. I was sick of feeling like I was "shopping" for someone. I prayed and asked God to send me the person that He has chosen for me (that was the hardest prayer I've ever prayed), but it saves me so much time and drama, and the dreaded question "Is this the one?". I truly believe that when you surrender the situation to God and trust that He will send the perfect person, you can be confident that with children or not, the man you meet will be the one that God has chosen for you. I'd rather have to wait it out to get the right person, than to choose on my own and end up all messed up (from experience, my own judgement is VERY faulty...LOL)

If you ladies have time, please go check out this link: Single and Saved. This will give some insight on why I gave up dating. Share your thoughts!!!

I am certain that if you trust God about it, you'll receive the desires of your heart!

________________________________________________________________________________
Enter to Win!

very well put....we have to learn to let go and let God because what we think is right for us may not be.
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Re: Dating and Standards

Post by shemara2009 on 7th March 2011, 6:07 pm

@shortnsweet, I agree with your point that sometimes things happen, and you encounter who you are suppose to encounter at the time. Most of the men I have met when I was out there dating did not have kids. I don't know how it happened, but I think it was all about timing and not necessarily about looking for the "right" man. I am 30, have no children, and been with the same man for 4 years, and he does not have any kids either. I don't think its impossible to find men who don't have children.

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Re: Dating and Standards

Post by Ambitious_Tiff on 7th March 2011, 8:20 pm

shortnsweet wrote:im a young woman (26) and i have a five year old. and let me first start off by saying this is just my personal opinion and you are entitled to how you feel and there is nothing wrong with having your standards. but i just wanted to give you a scenario..something to think about. take it as you wish...

im dating a guy who doesnt have kids. and when we first met i asked how did he feel about dating a woman with kids. he said when his stepfather met his mom he was 2 at the time. and he went on and on about how his father stepped up and raised him like he was his own. and he respects him so much for that. then he went on to say how can i judge a woman because she has a child when someone else stepped in and took care of me? and that meant a lot to me because whether you are male or female with kids doesn't make you any less of a person. like i said this is just my opinion and im not going against what you or any of the other ladies are saying. it does take a lot to be in a relationship with someone who has a child. because there potentially could be some drama. so first look at the person as a whole. if they are a good parent and there is no drama and this person makes you happy go for it. you just never know....its a sticky situation. but im truly greatful for this man and the fact that he could look past what happend before him and play such a positive role in my life as well as my daughters life Smile

best of luck to you!!!

Aw, thanx. No need to defend yourself against me! I like to think I am pretty open minded, lol. I'm not at all saying that children devalue a person or anything like that (though I see how it can come across that way). I am so sorry if I gave that impression. I guess its just that every man I have dated with children has been trouble and I mean real trouble. Like "his baby mama calling me and threatening to cut me up and put my in my own freezer" type drama. Men with children have been nothing but drama and disappointment for me. What tends to be the most discouraging is that these men have been from all walks of life. So its not like I can say, "I need to stop dating this one certain kind of guy or I need to stop meeting men at this place or in this environment." That's why I am just kind of against it all together. I commend people who can help raise another person's child(ren). All I am saying is that if I was presented with 2 men that were equally perfect for me but one had a child, I would be more likely to choose the man with no child. Not b/c of the child per se' but b/c of the other things that could possibly come with it. Congrats to you though for finding someone so wonderful.
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Re: Dating and Standards

Post by BajanPrincess82 on 8th March 2011, 11:42 am

Ambitious_Tiff - We all have our preferences and opinions, but that can all change depending on the man that God decides to let cross your path. My husband is my type all around. He's tall, dark, and handsome, has a good job, career-minded, a Christian, great sense of humor, etc.... but he has children and that was NOT on my wish-list. However, I didn't even consider that a factor in whether I wanted to date and/or marry him b/c from the start I knew he was my husband. Its hard to describe, but you'll know once you meet the right person and get that feeling. Thankfully we don't really have "baby mama drama" due to the military (his ex is a Soldier also) so they've always lived in different states/countries from each other. But besides that, he handles his business and does what he has to do to keep things civil and to stay away from any drama. Now, if they lived with us or even near us, I might be singing a different tune!
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Re: Dating and Standards

Post by MsArabia on 8th March 2011, 1:04 pm

I don't think you are asking for too much. I'll be 23 on March 17th and my boyfriend is 29 and he has no kids. I, like you, preferred to date men w/o kids although I have dated a few w/ kids b/c like you said I am a little selfish. I want a man to put his kids first and therefore I know I can't be first so it just wouldn't work. If I was dating a guy and he did put me before his kids then I would definitely leave his a$$! That's just irresponsible. LOL Girl don't settle. I don't think you are asking for the impossible with what you listed (kid free, God fearing, funny, and ambitious).
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Re: Dating and Standards

Post by prodigy on 8th March 2011, 3:02 pm

BajanPrincess82 wrote:Ambitious_Tiff - We all have our preferences and opinions, but that can all change depending on the man that God decides to let cross your path. My husband is my type all around. He's tall, dark, and handsome, has a good job, career-minded, a Christian, great sense of humor, etc.... but he has children and that was NOT on my wish-list. However, I didn't even consider that a factor in whether I wanted to date and/or marry him b/c from the start I knew he was my husband. Its hard to describe, but you'll know once you meet the right person and get that feeling. Thankfully we don't really have "baby mama drama" due to the military (his ex is a Soldier also) so they've always lived in different states/countries from each other. But besides that, he handles his business and does what he has to do to keep things civil and to stay away from any drama. Now, if they lived with us or even near us, I might be singing a different tune!


Soooo true! whomever God has designated will be there, with or without kids. I know exactly what you are talking about! Kids was certainly not on my wishlist, because we all have our ideals about what we want/don't want. But it was certainly not a factor because I knew this was my husband from the beginning. I also agree that I might sing a different tune if his ex was in the same state or country lol, but nevertheless, what God has designed is divine, so my own personal preference of no children became a non-issue. When you know, you know, and you have peace knowing that it was a divinely ordained relationship.

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Re: Dating and Standards

Post by shortnsweet on 10th March 2011, 2:29 pm

Ambitious_Tiff wrote:
shortnsweet wrote:im a young woman (26) and i have a five year old. and let me first start off by saying this is just my personal opinion and you are entitled to how you feel and there is nothing wrong with having your standards. but i just wanted to give you a scenario..something to think about. take it as you wish...

im dating a guy who doesnt have kids. and when we first met i asked how did he feel about dating a woman with kids. he said when his stepfather met his mom he was 2 at the time. and he went on and on about how his father stepped up and raised him like he was his own. and he respects him so much for that. then he went on to say how can i judge a woman because she has a child when someone else stepped in and took care of me? and that meant a lot to me because whether you are male or female with kids doesn't make you any less of a person. like i said this is just my opinion and im not going against what you or any of the other ladies are saying. it does take a lot to be in a relationship with someone who has a child. because there potentially could be some drama. so first look at the person as a whole. if they are a good parent and there is no drama and this person makes you happy go for it. you just never know....its a sticky situation. but im truly greatful for this man and the fact that he could look past what happend before him and play such a positive role in my life as well as my daughters life Smile

best of luck to you!!!

Aw, thanx. No need to defend yourself against me! I like to think I am pretty open minded, lol. I'm not at all saying that children devalue a person or anything like that (though I see how it can come across that way). I am so sorry if I gave that impression. I guess its just that every man I have dated with children has been trouble and I mean real trouble. Like "his baby mama calling me and threatening to cut me up and put my in my own freezer" type drama. Men with children have been nothing but drama and disappointment for me. What tends to be the most discouraging is that these men have been from all walks of life. So its not like I can say, "I need to stop dating this one certain kind of guy or I need to stop meeting men at this place or in this environment." That's why I am just kind of against it all together. I commend people who can help raise another person's child(ren). All I am saying is that if I was presented with 2 men that were equally perfect for me but one had a child, I would be more likely to choose the man with no child. Not b/c of the child per se' but b/c of the other things that could possibly come with it. Congrats to you though for finding someone so wonderful.

thanks....we're still young so we never know what will happen. tomorrow isnt promised--i believe there is someone out there for everybody. i feel you on the drama part. why deal with the uneccessary? No prayer and patience!
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